Its been one year

One year ago i was counting down the days, One year ago i was for sure i wouldn't have my family back, One year ago i was looking at the negative and praying on the positive, One year ago my father came home to me.....

So much has happened in the last year.. that i don't even know where to start but i know where i ended SO here we go...

so my daddy came home... got a job and the best part is that hes held it and is drug free for almost a year...

my mom and brother got off parole and was granted it because of good behavior

I had a wished ever since this terrible nightmare had began that all i wanted was my father to walk me down the aisle and my brother to see it happen because i only had 1 brother and like it or not one day it will only be me and him sooo god granted me my wish and he threw in something extra that day...... they all were sober.. i couldn't ask for more.. On September 14th of 2008 i was married my father gave me away and my grandfather performed the ceremony but unfortunately you cant have your cake and eat it too.. so god did grant me all of those things but i had to pay something back ...the day of my marriage i had dreamt of my entire like was happening right before me everything was perfect and then i was awoke at 6 in the morning to what was left of hurricane IKE he made his presence known he blew and he rained he also trapped most of my friends and family in their homes and kept them from coming i was up set it was suppose to be more than 100 coming but all that mattered to me and him was that we were there and this was the day that we had waited on for 7 years and finally it was about to happen the last moment before i walked out i bent down and kissed my niece and said go get em' i turned and looked at my dad and i could see this man begin to start crying i wondered what he was thinking but i was afraid to ask because i didn't want to cry he looked at me as we both knew it was about time to take my final walk holding his last name he said you look very pretty and i had to take slow deep breaths to keep my tears in.. and then there it was the music we were to walk to as he began to walk i realized i wasn't moving he stopped and looked at me i was thinking what the hell is my problem why aren't i moving FEET DON'T FAIL ME NOW.. we began to walk realizing that all eyes were on me wanting to run but didn't know if i wanted to i pulled him tighter to me and counted my steps.. I seen Logan and his eyes swelled with tears my grandfather tearing up he asked who gives this beautiful little girl away my father fighting back the tears and his voice breaking says her mother and i turned to him kissed him on the cheek and whispered in his ear i will always love you daddy and he broke he stood by my brother as the ceremony went by and then it was over before i knew it and the only thing i remember was you may kiss the bride and i announce to you Mrs and Mr and then that was it i walked out into the hall way and broke into tears not of sadness but of dear god its done i didn't plan for this i didn't want to cry my brother walked out balling i never seen that and then my father holding my niece and nephews hands runs out hugs me and we both cry for alittle bit and then i seen my brother crying and we hugged and cried alittle while then i seen Logan he was hugging his mother trying not to cry and then we found our selves holding each other crying..... it was a very pretty ceremony then i was time to party mine and my fathers dance was to faith hill and Tim Mcgraw's butterfly kisses it perfect song we both cried all the way through it...

Me and my new husband went to Jamaica for our honeymoon it was so beautiful i got to go zip lining through the jungle which was pure awesomeness!!

Now its been almost a year we looked around and where the year has went i don't know it has flown by and i pray to god the rest of my life doesn't go by this fast i cant stand to let go and to be left standing by my self with no one...

We both have great jobs and I'm going to school.. i don't know whats next i want children in the future but my husband doesn't I'm sure that he will soon.. we are young and our lives should be full of adventure and excitement!!

Other than that not much has happened in my year im looking forward to fathers day and my dads 48th birthday i cant wait till 50 because hes getting the biggest birthday party of his life!!!!!

My mother just has surgery on several different things they found tumors and cysts on her ovaries and uterus and they think she has cancer on her liver its a guessing game for the doctors they dont really know anything other than they want money!

Hello old friend its been awhile since we chatted... you truly are my therapy..

So many things have happened in the last 6 months..
One thing is for sure its getting closer to my fathers parole date and i believe i need all of the help i can get. This entire time i have blogged about my parents and life behind bars and as unbelievable as it can be we did get some good things out of this 3 year life changing experience
1. Dad got his G-E-D
2. Father actually is off the drugs
3. He doesn't plan on going back..
4. My father and i have a stronger bond you know "father and daughter"

Its less than 56 day and counting til D-day we are as nervous as ever and stressing it.. I believe my father has more gray hair then i have ever seen him have.. hes 47 and never had a gray hair in his life and in this last month he has a head full he says hes not upset about it, it took him 47 years to get it an hes earned it.. i cant say that much he has caused me so much stress.. worrying about him i know hes fed, clean, healthy.. blah blah but he could get killed at any given time he could have looked at someone the wrong way and get shanked i just stress that stuff.

My brother finally had his baby Kameron Chase 8 pounds 1 ounce 19 1/2 inches long beautiful baby boy i was a little jealous i wont lie.. until the first poopy diaper and i was all of a sudden relieved i don't have one!..

I got a new puppy shes a solid white pit bull.. got jazz a buddy someone she can play with not sure how its really working i think jazz thinks shes annoying! Her name is KENYA cute huh.. Jazz and Kenya!

all i can ask is pray for me and my family to get back to normal because if he gets "flopped" i don't know what our family will do i don't know what my dad will do and honestly i don't want to know its not something i have prepared my self for!

This Hurts...Waiting

I cant believe its been nearly a year since hes been moved down here its amazing how fast time can pass, i was sitting here taking a breath from my busy life trying to grasp the fact that another year has passed and im still working my ass off. I was shopping around on the internet listening to music and of course i accidently played a song that touches home.

I have so much stuff on my plate ive been through so much and right now i sat and watched all my friends get married having babies i want that and as much as i want it i dont at the same time i keep telling my self i want to wait for my dad to come home and i really do honest........ but i want to start my life i want to get married i want to have kids i want to work for what you dont and wont ever have because every average american family works to be in debt i want to be a family but then at the same time i dont really want that.

My dad is the most important person in my life because hes never gave up on me never pushed me to the side and never made me wait for anything. Hes always there for me, helps me, never would he guide me in the wrong direction.. and now hes in prision and oh god i cant tell you how much it hurts to walk away to leave him standing to smile and giggle and tell him i will see him next weekend but what if i dont..... you can never plan things because you never know how things may turn out what if i didnt show up for the next weekend? Then what would he do? who would be there to make him smile to make his week go by faster? They say god picks and chooses the life your going to live and the roads you take so you will learn a lesson and everyone has a purpose... WHAT THE HELL DID I DO... i want my family back i want to drive to paducah to see my mom and my dad i want to go spend the day with them have dinners go visit im so sick and tired of hearing these people bitch about going and seeing there parents WAKE THE FUCK UP one day they wont even be there and i promise you you will regret that. At least your getting to be with them these last 2 years are gone and gone forever i WILL NEVER GET THOSE BACK!!!!

Its been 2 years........stressfull, hurtfull, oh god i cant begin to descibe the shit ive been through im so ready for this nightmare to be over im tired of painting on this smile and telling everyone that im ok when really i having a break down in side.. im so tired of wanting to just sit and cry and that some one telling me im childish or im a bitch i wish that some one would understand that as a human being its really not easy painting on a fucking smile........... just one time when im down i want to be held when i cry .. i dont want to be told that it will be ok because i know it wont i want just to be held when i cry and be told i understand and i love you for it.....

I never planned for my life to be this messed up i never planned on my father and my mother and my brother to be locked up when i was little i never seen my family bein there i honestly didnt see my life take a fucking left turn and go rolling straight down the hill wtf its like a snow ball it just got bigger and bigger.

I never believed my mom and dad when they told me that i was going to miss being 16 i was going to miss being be with them they were so right i heard this song the other day and oh my god it means the world

Artist: Adkins Trace
Song: You're Gonna Miss This


She was staring out the window of that SUV
Complaning, saying "I can't wait to turn 18"
She said "I'll make my own money, and I'll make my own rules"
Mamma put the car in park out there in front of the school
Then she kissed her head and said "I was just like you"

You're gonna miss this
You're gonna want this back
You're gonna wish these days hadn't gone by so fast
These are some good times
So take a good look around
You may not know it now
But you're gonna miss this

Before she knows it she's a brand new bride
In a one-bedroom apartment, and her daddy stops by
He tells her "It's a nice place"
She says "It'll do for now"
Starts talking about babies and buying a house
Daddy shakes his head and says "Baby, just slow down"

Cause you're gonna miss this
You're gonna want this back
You're gonna wish these days hadn't gone by so fast
These are some good times
So take a good look around
You may not know it now
But you're gonna miss this

Five years later there's a plumber workin' on the water heater
Dog's barkin', phone's ringin'
One kid's cryin', one kid's screamin'
She keeps apologizin'
He says "They don't bother me.
I've got 2 babies of my own.
One's 36, one's 23.
Huh, it's hard to believe, but ...

You're gonna miss this
You're gonna want this back
You're gonna wish these days hadn't gone by so fast
These are some good times
So take a good look around
You may not know it now
But you're gonna miss this"




Billy Ray Cyrus - Ready Set Don't Go


She's gotta do what she's gotta do
And I've gotta like it or not
She's got dreams too big for this town
And she needs to give 'em a shot
Whatever they are

Looks like she's all ready to leave
Nothing left to pack
There ain't no room for me in that car
Even if she asked me to tag along
God I gotta be strong

(chorus)
She's at the startin' line of the rest of her life
As ready as she's ever been
Got the hunger and the stars in her eyes
The prize is hers to win
She's waitin' on my blessings before she hits that open road
Baby get ready
Get set
Don't go

She says things are fallen into place
Feels like they're fallen apart
I painted this big ol' smile on my face
To hide my broken heart
If only she knew
This is where I don't say what I want so bad to say

This is where I want to but I won't get in the way
Of her and her dreams
And spreadin' her wings

She's at the startin' line of the rest of her life
As ready as she's ever been
Got the hunger and the stars in her eyes
The prize is hers to win
She's waitin' on my blessings before she hits that open road
Baby get ready
Get set
Don't go

She's at the startin' line of the rest of her life
As ready as she's ever been
Got the hunger and the stars in her eyes
The prize is hers to win
She's waitin' on my blessings before she hits that open road
Baby get ready
Get set
Please Don't go

Don't go
Don't go
She's gotta do what she's gotta do
She's gotta do what she's gotta do

Skinned knees are easier to fix then broken hearts

There is one thing about being happy with your self and letting people be happy with you. As a female every day reality sets in and you look around and wonder how can someone love you most of the time i beat my self down and cant find a reason or way anyone can. I'm not happy with my self over the last couple years i feel like i have let my self go my weight its not like i gained 200+ pounds but i do feel like i have put on weight i quit caring about my tan my hair my everything i have stopped caring and started caring about working now Ive got the time to stop and look in the mirror and my first couple of words are O DAMN i look like nine kinds of hell.

It took me beating my self up wondering why and when did this happen. I had a problem i wouldn't be intimately involved with my partner because of this, this would stop everything because while it was happening i would be questioning my self o god don't move like that because that looks gross or don't this or that because he might see you don't have sex with the lights on because ugh!!!
So i said time to do something about it something has to give some where and its going to take me to do something about it if i ever want to be happy. I took me a long time to realize you cant let someone love you if you don't love your self.. just as well as you cant make your life happy if you your self aren't there is no since in trying to lie to your self because in the end you will be depressed always wondering what would had been if you would have put your foot down and made your self happy.

So now I'm on these diet pills and I'm losing weight and beginning to feel allot better about my self now I'm beginning to want that intimate feeling not like a damn rabbit just to know im loved and someone has a attraction to me.. but ive yet to recieve that.............

At this moment in my life i dont even care anymore. Im so tired of being fucked over by my work by my life my everything. I would hang my self but i need someone to kick the chair out fromm under me. Id slit my wrist but thats a pussys way out and well its messy. I would drown my self but well who really wants to go out like that. Just when i thought i was going some where in life HA RIIIIIIIIIIIGHT! Thats what i get for thinking i guess. Well i got my own store finally got what i been working so hard for now i dont want it any more i want it to go way! I went back and talked to WKCTC and got the chance to go to college but work would cause me to not be focused either way im screwed imagine that! October 22 i go to Nashville for 2 weeks for training i dont want to go i just wish i didnt have to do this anymore now they have officially fucked me so hard i want to walk out of the job period i want to toss my keys at the next person that walks threw the door and say well its your problem now. Things with him arent so great anymore all we do is fight and argue i dont want to be around him right now i wish he were a thousand miles away all he wants to do is tell me what to do and how i should do it when i really dont give a shit anymore. We watch tv in seperate rooms we cant stand to look at each other we say things that shouldnt be said to each other if you "love"them. I dont know whats going on but right now i think i just want to be left alone for quite sometime we arent ok my life isnt ok and i think that i want away from it... you cant say nothing to him about it because then he acts like he is 2 yrs old and argues about EVERYTHING.

Big girls dont cry

Walking away from everything that you know is one of the hardest things a person can put them selves through the toll it does emotionally is just phenomenal. Thats something ive learnt to do my entire life, ive always been the one to say goodbye to everyone ive ever known its just easier that way. The reason you ask? Its because i will either rip you to peices emotionally then hoping you will walk away or i will attempt to do so physically because its better to hurt once then to hurt over and over. Now i didnt learn that on my own ive been taught that since i can even remember while watching everything crumble to my feet my entire life while i sit in the middle of it all holding my self rocking back and forth trying to get some sanity on my own. Its like a carousel your watching it from the inside trying not to vomit while everything spins so fast around you, you cant grasp anything. It took my life 18 years to fully come down an the only 2 people i thought would be there to help me hold it up wasnt, one was gone and gone forever she may have been there in spirit but my granny wasnt there to tell me to pick it up and run with it shes gone. My fiance well we all know what happen there we crumbled to and we are still picking up the pieces. When i say my life has crumbled i mean its like grains of sand and shards of glass you want to pick it up you cant quite get it all mean while your fingers are bleeding.

This last weekend has been one of the easiest in my life and i say that with a slight chuckle. Ive finally had enough ive spent 2 very long and stressful years of my life making my fingers bleed picking up the pieces to let someone cuss me and yell at me im not that type of person. Im sick and tired of being someones door mat im tired of being walked on and having shit whiped on me when someone doesnt want to deal with it. Ive spent the last month working my ass off so she cant call me to yell and cuss at me because of him and instead of calling me i think she shes used her 25 cents somewhere else or should i say on someone else i dont understand her, shes a needy person she cant stand to be alone but shes also a very bad lier. She can say what she wants and what she pleases because its my choice to listen to her and just like all of the times before i always choose not to because shes not going to change shes the same ol person with and without the drugs the same spitefull, greedy, bitchy person she has always been. When shes not happy so she tries to pull others down and she suceeds from time to time. She can do what she pleases and she can say what she wants but i have washed my hands with her. The last two years has been a mistake and time down the drain hoping she would change this time but what kinda of fool am i? How idoitic does she think i am?

Since hes been home he has done nothing for him self except waiting on her hand and foot talking on the phone to 4 different girls, sitting on the computer and not getting a job. To think he would change is just as much of a idiotic thing as thinking she would have too. Instead he thinks that life should cater to his every need an if it doesnt he should cuss it out and try to fight it to teach it a lesson being he is such a great teacher and role model. If he doesnt get what he wants he does the same thing and maybe the only thing he has ever done sit and have a screaming match with the other person except the rules to the game is you may not scream and you better not cuss but its all fair to him. You see rules doesnt apply to him he can do as he wishes because you see hes the queen of wonderland alice. And if he doesnt get what he wants with you heaven forbid it! He will call someone else and give another sad sappy story to get what he wants and 98% of the time it will be a lie and 100% of the time he will get what he wants why becuase he is just like her.

As ive said before im done i hate to be the one and moves away out of county not answer my phone and not return phone calls but you got to do what you got to do to get on with the rest of your life because im not going to let them pull me down this time im much stronger than ive ever been. Its a dog eat dog world. You've got to get to me first and the sad thing is you cant because you have to have a permit and you wont stop calling all your boyfriends and stay off the damn internet to do so and you wont pull your self out of her ass for a breath of fresh air moreless do something that involves some work.

Fuck hell week!

The last week has been straight hell ive been vomiting to the point there isnt anything left and yet still my body keeps up with the urge to vomit i dont understand.. No candyland im not preggers trust me you've got to have some sort of action to be that away nothing to worry about there me and mommy dearest has already discussed that. I guess you can call it my vacation and i have a new best friend toilet. Between running a fever of 101.3 and vomiting and sleeping in between all of that ive been thinking at first i was jealous of all my friends and others getting married and havin babies and stuff but now im glad i didnt make any of those mistakes not only do i not want to be vomiting for 9 months i dont really want to be married either and have the headaches for the rest of my life. I went to the doctor yesterday they did some blood work and i thought i was going to make a new exist to the doctors office when they told me that they were going to do lab work on me scared the holy shit out of me! I guess i can post about my sickness when its over right now i have something bearing on my mind!!!!

Ok since the whole "through sickness and in health" thing is one of the main vows i know im not married yet but DAMN IT ITS BEEN 6 YEARS together you would think he would know a little something about me by now... right? He says he took care of me while i was sick says he got my soup and got me sprite and covered me up even when i was sweating and runnin a fever at the same time he didnt hold my hair while i was puking he didnt ask me if i was ok he didnt cuddle up on the couch with me and hold me because if any girl is like me all they want when they are sick is to be loved on a hug and a kiss cuddle with maybe tell them they love them when they feel like it. It took me crying because he was acting stupid said he was trying to get me to feel better by hell i dont know scareing me or something.. i started crying and said all i wanted was him to love on me let me know he cares what he does is set on the couch with my legs in his lap and stare at the tv thats it i ask to be loved on he does the high pitch thing and says I DID im starting to think he doesnt care what little does he know im tired of threating im tired of repeating im tired of having to keep telling his ass one of these days i will pack my shit and leave i can find better i can find some one who is willing to help me up when i am down if he isnt then he can go to hell. Today i think i got poision ivy so i asked him earlier to get a rag and get put some dove soap on it and rub me down because all i want to do is scratch it he argues about it then when i tell him fine what ever he gets up to get the rag and i already said fine he then "playing" hits me across the eyes with a soapy rag im tired of it if this is what i get then i dont want any part of it im so tired of it not once has he came in hugged me or anything with out me asking him to i mean damn if it isnt there it just isnt there. I dont want to be like my parents and not be happy im willing to leave an find happiness some where he can have all of the shit i dont want it any more i dont want a damn part of it hes going to keep pushing until he realizes that he made a mistake and then it will be too late i wont have feelings for him anymore... or he wont ever realize.

Well yesterday it has finally happened my dad finally got moved closer to home its been a little over a year since hes been this close to us and i know how much a relief it is for him and me its like a burden has been lifted off my shoulders.

Me and my mother always seem to fight she thinks she knows it all and well i know i know it all....... right? That woman will drive you nuts we are always arguing over something it doesn't matter if its that I'm tieing my own shoes wrong she has to speak her opinion and quite frankly I DON'T GIVE A SHIT! AHH i already feel so much better. I'm the type of person that you can tell me how to do something 10 thousand times but I'll decide if i want your help or not and if you tell me i cant the only thing i want to do is show you how many ways i can and then tell you how many ways i could get away with it. I don't know I'm starting to wonder if her getting off the drugs is such a good idea i sometimes find my self reassuring my self that its for the good and someday it may take the rest of her life but someday she will be normal again i love her and want her to be straight and no more meth and weed and pills but shes about as mouthy as a damn teenager. I read some where that the age you pick a drug up your mind goes back to that age when you try to put it down like my mom picked the drug up at the age 16 so I'm wondering if her mind set is really 16 HELL i don't know! I know for every hit of meth you do it takes like 2-5 years to leave your body so SHES SCREWED! I don't want to fight with her i really don't i try to agree with her and then she gets so damn pushy and demanding and i hate it i just want to look at her and tell her shut the hell up your going to get your self in trouble. Shes dieing to go see dad and i understand why she hasn't seen him in 2 years but i don't want her to keep pushing her parole officer until he gets mad and says the hell with it you get more time i think she did the crime shes just going to have to wait out the time. OHHH and the other day she was reading a letter from my dad about how he wishes he was out and of course i made the comment if you guys would have just stayed out of trouble you would be together right now she looked me in the eye and grew these huge harry balls and said "I THINK WE HAVE SUFFERED ENOUGH WE HAVE DONE OUR TIME THAT SHOULD BE GOOD ENOUGH" really cocky shaking her head at me like shes having a seizure then of course the whole time shes trying to piss me off I'm saying to my self I'm my head "oh really" i looked at her dead in the eye shaking my head just like her getting cocky and said "oh really Ive put my entire life on hold for you gave you money when i didn't have food to eat went in dept 600 dollars still haven't got out of that and I'm still standing I'm still fighting" she looked at me when i was done i could have done and said anything like what was going threw my head GROW THE FUCK UP but i didn't i sat there and had a starring contest with her until one of us looked away.. well... i won!

I found this for candy

Artist: Dust For Life
Album: Dust For Life [2000]
Title: Dragonfly

So stare into the sun
The fields are turning blue
It's clear to everyone
Who you've been talking to

Go on refuse to dream
Cold world of endless need
My little dragonfly
On dark wings you come to me

Waiting for the sun to shine
Waiting for the light to find
And it's taking all i know
To give it up and let it go

No truth i can explain
No sense in talking to
Flames take another one
I see i'm smoking too

Go on refuse to see
In dark clouds the ravens weep
My little dragonfly
On dark wings you come to me

Chorus (x3)

Well its been a while my dear friend i havent blogged in i dont know when. So much stuff i would love to tell you but i know so much i will forget lets see where do i begin? HMM oh my district manager quit ABOUT FUCKING TIME! Umm i have a fight with my mom i have let all my anger out in a screaming match the last 18 years came out of my mouth andi didnt realize what i was sayin till after it was all said i know i hurt her feelings but what can i say shes hurt my so many i cant count on my fingers and toes a 100 times over she has called me names cussed me out threatened me hurt me physcally and emotionally and damn it to hell i guess at that very damn moment i figured it was my turn and there was nothing going to stop me and boy did i let it fly after i stormed out the door slammed it as hard as i could (i thought for a second it was going to fall right on top of me) then i started thinking was i to hard on her what did i even say i couldnt remember half of it all of it just came out. My phone started ringing i looked down it was her i wanted to answer but then i knew i needed to stand my ground i needed to fight for what i believe in or i would be a push over so i didnt answer for 2 days yes you read it right 2 DAYS everytime id forget we were fighting id pick up the phone to call and suddenly remember we werent ok yet finally she cornered me at work i had no choice but to answer the phone she talked to me at first like we never did fight then she started crying at the moment i could have crumbled with and cried with her and maybe thats what everyone needs someone to cry with them but i dont know why i didnt cave maybe i felt i wanted to be the stronger one who the knows.

4/20 was the first day me and Logan met 6 years ago we celebrated by going to Logans Roadhouse to eat it was good we went shoppin got his brother and she devil a wedding gift which they are getting married this weeked UGH i dont want to go but im being forced i swear i can find something to do that day.

Its 2 days from beckys day and thays all i am going to say about that

UMM i got two letters from my brother since i sent him the 20 dollars... a guy got mad at logan and kicked our mail box over which was halarious so now we got a new mail box ummm nothing much has happened in my boring life

All i will say is...

All i will say for the day is i have yet to learn no matter what you do how you do it or how hard you try you can never let me repeat NEVER make someone happy that doesnt want to be

Well I've taken my self off caffeine decided to go tan an lose a little weight along with the rest of the world. I just want to do this for my self ladies we do that from time to time why? Because we worry about what we look like that's just how we are. I'm also beginning to teach my self "people have feelings to" i don't know being a ass all the time is never a good thing... I'm not saying I'm a ass I'm just saying if its not my way we are going to have some problems.. Well when i went to see my dad i was at cracker barrel and id never been to this one and all the ones Ive been to the people are the nicest people well i don't think i will ever EVER let me repeat EVER go back to this one ever again. Let me take you on my journey fasten you seat beat keep all body parts in side the window better use the bathroom because we aren't stopping anywhere! Well we get out of the car and its snowing the people getting in there car are wearing shorts I'm think that's fucked up so we go in and the lady who looks like a bird seats us we sit there discussing what we are about to eat (we never get the same thing) any way she comes over asks us what we want to drink we tell her cokes she says ok blah blah walks away about 3-4 minutes later she comes back says "I'm sorry i went brain dead what was that you wanted to drink" i immediately think oh shit why do we always get the stupid ones.. so we tell her again what we want she walks away. Now let me make sure we are still on the same page waitress already fucks up one thing so here i am scratching a notch in the table for 1. So here we are playing that game that everyone plays at cracker barrel oh and the good part is we are even fighting over it yeah that's great lol.. so she comes back takes our order not to bad she really might have had a fucking stupid moment we are all entitled to those right? Well she brings back my food all of it tastes good but the meat loaf its tastes awful its still pink in the middle just a tad but all in the same GROSS.. so i decide I'm NOT sending it back because of.. if you've seen the movie "Waiting" with the one and only Ryan Reynolds at ShenaniganZ yea you wont EVER take your food back! So she comes to give us a refill asks me if i was drinking tea i say no coke... notch in the table 2 she brings me back what i thought was coke i take a drink out of it, it was DIET coke so either shes fucking stupid or or shes trying to tell me something! So we tell her NO not DIET we wanted coke... she brings me back a coke i have already got my cornbread cut it open got my butter out opened it up she walks over and says can i take that plate (the one with the meatloaf) i say yes turn to get it hand it to her look down for my cornbread its GONE the bitch took it took all of it i said where did my cornbread go she said oh you weren't done with that at this point I'm fucking furious i wanted to say NO NO BITCH I WASN'T YOU FUCKING DICK ...notch 3 but i sat there and said i need to loose weight anyways so let me catch you up... raw meat loaf didn't eat no cornbread because the bitch took it so we were sitting there sharing the pancakes hes done asks me if i want them i said umm maybe so he sits them in front of me she comes and picks them up i was so mad i wanted to hit her in the face............................. But i just tell my self people have feelings too why i did that is because i just went and seen my dad my mind was in other places and i was calm so if someone else does that I'm not so sure they will live!

Buckcherry:
Crazy Bitch

All right!
Break me down, you got a lovely face
We're going to your place
And now you got to freak me out
Scream so loud, getting fuckin' laid
You want me to stay, but I got to make my way

Hey
You're a crazy bitch
But you fuck so good, I'm on top of it
When I dream, I'm doing you all night
Scratches all down my back to keep me right on

Hey
You're a crazy bitch
But you fuck so good, I'm on top of it
When I dream, I'm doing you all night
Scratches all down my back to keep me right on

Take it off, the paper is your game
You jump in bed with fame
Another one night paid in full, uh
You're so fine, it won't be a loss
Cashing in the rocks, just to get you face to face

Hey
You're a crazy bitch
But you fuck so good, I'm on top of it
When I dream, I'm doing you all night
Scratches all down my back to keep me right on

Hey
You're a crazy bitch
But you fuck so good, I'm on top of it
When I dream, I'm doing you all night
Scratches all down my back to keep me right on

Get the video
Fuck you so good
Get the video
Fuck you so good

Crazy bitch
Crazy bitch
Crazy...bitch

Hey
You're a crazy bitch
But you fuck so good, I'm on top of it
When I dream, I'm doing you all night
Scratches all down my back to keep me right on

Hey
You're a crazy bitch
But you fuck so good, I'm on top of it
When I dream, I'm doing you all night
Scratches all down my back, come on

Baby girl
You want it all
To be a star
You'll have to go down
Take it off
No need to talk
You're crazy
But I like the way you fuck me

Hey
You're a crazy bitch
But you fuck so good, I'm on top of it
When I dream, I'm doing you all night
Scratches all down my back to keep me right on

Hey
You're a crazy bitch
But you fuck so good, I'm on top of i
tWhen I dream, I'm doing you all night
Scratches all down my back to keep me right on
You keep me right on

You're crazy
But I like the way you fuck me

And these are the days of our lives

Im just so tired of the shit at work i dont know what i did and didnt do i try to do what im told i maybe complain a little bit to my self but never do i make a big deal out of anything. I got stuck at this job and i dont know what happened i do what my DM tells me to do i was just a regular employee i didnt go in trying to be the boss i was nice to everyone maybe thats where i screwed up maybe i was to nice i get up every sunday morning at 4am to recieve the truck like a good little slave because the assistant manager at that store is to lazy to do it on her own even when she lives like 3 houses down from the store she doesnt want to do anything to better her self of let anyone better them selves. Ive never in my life been a racist person and i will never be told i am when im not.. and to day i found out thats what the assistant manager is telling everybody and it pisses me off i thought i could atleast go to my DM expect something to be done NO she says im being childish and if im going to complain and cry about it that she will just pull me out of the store and put me in another one it pisses me off i cant get her to do anything for me.....

there is no real purpose for this post i just need to vent because i cant figure out what the hell i did for her even to say i am the only thing i can think of is my home store is in a county that is has a high reputation for being racist but the thing is im not from that county im actually from a totally different county that is the complete opposite then this one but they dont know that and im not going to waste my time fixing things because when you try shit gets turned around and things never get back to normal and people twist shit im so tired of being walked on and having a shitty DM!

I have yet to shed any tears I'm still fighting them.... at times i found my self leaning at work today fighting off the tears in a day dream. Its not so bad when you go months with out seeing him because the pain is there the hurt is there but you've had time to tame that pain.. that hurt. I guess it kinda goes with that saying time heals all wounds, you learn to tame the pain. But all that pain and hurt i have buried in to my soul something i cant get rid of me it haunts me each and every single day came at me like i ran straight in to a brick wall.

Sitting at the steps at this place my father spends each and every waking moment of his life. In my 20 years i would have never imagined i would be standing in this very place seeing this man behind bars like this i always thought we were better than that but i guess when your at the top there is only one place to go and that is at the bottom, But as the butler in batman says "why do we fall bruce? To pick our selves back up again" Ever since i have heard that i have done nothing but replay that in my head my heart and my soul because i know there is a place for me at the top there is a place for everyone we just got to be willing to make it happen. Ive been on the bottom so long ive gotten cozy and afraid of change even tho it could be better but why fix it if its not completly broken right? I love to hate my life and hate to love my life its never a win win situation.

I went and seen my Daddy for the first time in nearly a year GOD i can even explain the hurt and pain that got lifted off my sholders i enjoy his company and it seems from each time i visit it keeps getting better and better the relationship we are building is strange because my dad never was into all the things i was.. he always loved movies just never took the time out of his "busy" schedule to watch them although he always made time for me and thats something i am thankful each day he took me everywhere with him, he got me candy i was his trusty side kick he told me... he told me he loved me when he knew i needed it the most and i cant say thank you enough even tho at times he was stoned out of his gored he still stopped and made me feel like part of A family. He was good about makin it look like roses through my eyes at times hed slip up and him and mom would fist fight in front of me there is so many things that he regrets so many things he would take back but he says there is nothing he can do or say to make me change the things he did or the way i feel other than he loves me with all his heart and he misses me and he never intended for me to have this kind of life and he is so sorry. And after saying that sorry never gets it with me he is one person that i believe.

I asked him what he wanted to be when he grew up and the reason i asked this is because when i went to moms drug class they told me that for every hit of meth you take it takes your body 2 years to recover from that and when you quit your drugs you begin where you started example if you picked up when you were 9 years old thats the age your mind has set back to a little bit with the fears and the am i doing this rights. Dad told me he wanted to be a teacher he wanted to help people get their G-E-D he wants people to better them selves like has like a second chance something hes been givin i was kinda floored by it i was actually surprised he wants to do something with his life other than walks the street known for what he was. Some times when i think about it im scared mom will have problems with it she wants it to be just him and her like old times and she can argue and fight all she wants with me but i was there at times she was there physcally but not mentally i seen the fights and the time she pulled to gun to shoot him i was there i pulled the gun out of her hand.

It was really great going and seeing him and spending the time i did with him even tho i wish i could take him home with me just put him in the trunk and take him away from the saddness the nightmares and the pain i think i have learnt i enjoy his company more now hes sobber.. hes never been a dull man by no means but its good to have good ol dad back not that ive ever had him before hes just different now when hes clear minded and i like that i wouldnt have it any other way. Although he took a cheap shot at me while i was leaving he yelled out my nickname that only he and my dads friend P.O is allowed to call me i think he was tryin to bring a little light to the sad situation hes never been one to sit and cry more less let people see him cry so sooner than later he will be home he told me his max parole date is july 2019 his min is july next year lets pray for next year!

Snow Patrol

Snow Patrol---Chasing Cars

We'll do it all
Everything
On our own

We don't need
Anything
Or anyone

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel

Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads

I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see

I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Well i was trying to break my self from this damn blog its like trying to quit a bad habit. When you tell your self you dont need it you always find your self wanting more like a thirst you cant quench. I was listening to snow patrol chasing cars and listenin to it rain, watching it lightening its just so soothing.

I wish i could go back at least a few years hold it there and enjoy all the things that we had and loved the thoughts we shared the moments we took for granted, but it isnt as easy as that is it? We cant do what we please. When i get lonely i turn on the country station knowing how its going to turn out but i do it any ways.. the same ol' me on my knees with my head buried in my hands tears, no one listening because they cant feel the pain why should they attempt to care because i will just push away because they dont know what it feels to feel my pain right? Why do i do this to my self its like i like self punishment to sit and think up all the shit all the shit that i dont wanna fucking think about i hate my self for letting it happen but what can i do how can i stop it, its like a diesase that takes over my body... Its been since august since ive seen him AUGUST is anyone listening this is now the end of FEB people i cant get my act to gether for worryin about them why why do i let this take over my thoughts my head my heart my life! How can i let something like this pull me down.. here i am on rock bottom wishing there was some one to save me some one to pull me back up for a breath of air because i cant do it my self i need that person and as i sit here listening to my self cry i look around and there is no one not a single soul Not my father not my brother not anyone in my family not a single soul ive been crying over but thats my fault right i shouldnt let these things get to me i shouldnt let the small things in life pull me down. Hes aways said dont worry about him he will lay still with thats all the fight left in the dog well im laying still... Layin still on the ground wrapped up in a ball scared but fearless tired but cant sleep crying but laughing at my self because no matter how many times i say i wont do it again i will again and again an again because that is just want i do im the door matt that everyone wipes their feet on.. NEXT PLEASE!

Well its coming close to the date an we all know what is in 8 days. Im not really sure where im going with this post im just kinda rambling. I was sitting on the couch the other day with him and we were sitting completley apart i started thinking about the past 6 years what we both use to be how we both use to be. Of course you never think about how "you" have changed you start thinking about him wondering what happened he doesnt bring you breakfast in bed he doesnt send you surprises no more hes nothing that he use to be and i began to wonder what did i do what i said to change him hes not like he use to be he doesnt do the things that he just to do sometimes i wish i could change him back but you cant teach a old dog new tricks or can you?

Artist:
Stone Sour
Album:
Come What (Ever) May
Title:Through Glass

I'm looking at you
through the glass
Don't know how much time has past
Oh, God it feels like forever
But no one ever tells you
That forever feels like home
Sitting all alone inside
your head

How do you feel?
That is the question
But I forget
You don't expect an
easy answer

When something like a
soul
Becomes initialized
And folded up like paper
dolls and little notes
You can't expect the
bitter folks
And while your outside
looking in
Describing what you see
Remember what your
staring at is me

Cause' I'm looking at you
through the glass
Don't know how much
time has past
All I know is that it feels
like forever
And no one ever tells you
That forever feels like
home
Sitting all alone inside
your head

How much is real
So much to question
An epidemic of the
mannequins
Contaminating
everything
And if that came from
the heart
It never did, right from
the start
Just listen to the noises
(Now I'm more, instead
of voices)

Before You tell yourself
It's just a different scene
Remember it's just
different from what you've
seen

I'm looking at you
through the glass
Don't know how much
time has past
Now all I know is that
feels like forever
And no one ever tells
you
That forever feels like
home
Sitting all alone inside
your head

Cause' I'm looking at you
through the glass
Don't know how much
time has past
Now all I know is that it
feels like forever
And no one ever tells
you
That forever feels like
home
Sitting all alone inside
your head

And it's the stars... the
stars... that shine for
you
And it's the stars... the
stars... that lie to you

I'm looking at you
through the glass
Don't know how much
time has past
Oh, God it feels like
forever
But no one ever tells you
That forever feels like
home
Sitting all alone inside
your head

Cause' I'm looking at you
through the glass
Don't know how much
time has past
All I know is that it feels
like forever
But no one ever tells you
That forever feels like
home
Sitting all alone inside
your head

And it's the stars... the
stars... that shine for
you
And it's the stars... the
stars... that lie to you
And it's the stars... the
stars... that shine for
you
And it's the stars... the stars... that lie to you

Oh, when the stars...
Oh, when the stars...
they lie

*sighs* as i sit and watch the rain slowing drizzling on my day.. and as the day passing me by as fast as it can... i take a plunge in to my own self pitty many things run through my head so many people that have impacted my life a live or dead. Tired of being sick tired of the one standing alone surrounded by those who love me but at the same time i feel alone like something isn't complete, every now and then i can convince my self to smile and that it will be all OK but then the depth of the sadness and loneliness sucks me back in again. Its not what some one is doing or saying its what they have done and what they have said. People can learn to forgive but i doubt they can ever teach them selves to forget or at least its hard for me.

The first person that usually comes to my mind and i don't even have to try is my father i think about him in my sleep while I'm awake an most of the time i want to curl up and scream as loud as i possibly can and cry... i know life must go on but doing that a lone is always harder than it seems.. I keep telling my self one more year he will be home safe and sound back at being a father a grandfather a teacher a husband and a best friend being the one we all want to come back better stronger and wiser. Then i pray we can put the druggy and the prisoner we know now behind us and start over bigger stronger and braver then ever before. Then i wake up to reality and ask my self do i really think it will go that way..

I hate the life that has been given to me but i learn to love it more and more each day because if it wasn't for this life i would probably be someone no one loves. I was taught to stand up for what you believe whether or not anyone agrees with you because your opinion is what makes you so unique. And women and men should be treated equal because damnit anything a man can do we can do it the same or even better. You may get knocked down but you aren't human if you cant bounce back up again.

I haven't blogged in a while nothing much has happened in my live except I'm sicker than hell thanks to one of the girls i work with she was kind enough to share.. damn her. I have been able to see my niece and nephew thank god they are my babies and i wouldn't trade anything in the world for them... my brother is a piece of shit he thinks he can just have more kids and forget about those hes the kind of man that needs his balls cut off! Well on that note in going to go write him and tell him how much of a worthless bastard he is!