Big girls dont cry

Walking away from everything that you know is one of the hardest things a person can put them selves through the toll it does emotionally is just phenomenal. Thats something ive learnt to do my entire life, ive always been the one to say goodbye to everyone ive ever known its just easier that way. The reason you ask? Its because i will either rip you to peices emotionally then hoping you will walk away or i will attempt to do so physically because its better to hurt once then to hurt over and over. Now i didnt learn that on my own ive been taught that since i can even remember while watching everything crumble to my feet my entire life while i sit in the middle of it all holding my self rocking back and forth trying to get some sanity on my own. Its like a carousel your watching it from the inside trying not to vomit while everything spins so fast around you, you cant grasp anything. It took my life 18 years to fully come down an the only 2 people i thought would be there to help me hold it up wasnt, one was gone and gone forever she may have been there in spirit but my granny wasnt there to tell me to pick it up and run with it shes gone. My fiance well we all know what happen there we crumbled to and we are still picking up the pieces. When i say my life has crumbled i mean its like grains of sand and shards of glass you want to pick it up you cant quite get it all mean while your fingers are bleeding.

This last weekend has been one of the easiest in my life and i say that with a slight chuckle. Ive finally had enough ive spent 2 very long and stressful years of my life making my fingers bleed picking up the pieces to let someone cuss me and yell at me im not that type of person. Im sick and tired of being someones door mat im tired of being walked on and having shit whiped on me when someone doesnt want to deal with it. Ive spent the last month working my ass off so she cant call me to yell and cuss at me because of him and instead of calling me i think she shes used her 25 cents somewhere else or should i say on someone else i dont understand her, shes a needy person she cant stand to be alone but shes also a very bad lier. She can say what she wants and what she pleases because its my choice to listen to her and just like all of the times before i always choose not to because shes not going to change shes the same ol person with and without the drugs the same spitefull, greedy, bitchy person she has always been. When shes not happy so she tries to pull others down and she suceeds from time to time. She can do what she pleases and she can say what she wants but i have washed my hands with her. The last two years has been a mistake and time down the drain hoping she would change this time but what kinda of fool am i? How idoitic does she think i am?

Since hes been home he has done nothing for him self except waiting on her hand and foot talking on the phone to 4 different girls, sitting on the computer and not getting a job. To think he would change is just as much of a idiotic thing as thinking she would have too. Instead he thinks that life should cater to his every need an if it doesnt he should cuss it out and try to fight it to teach it a lesson being he is such a great teacher and role model. If he doesnt get what he wants he does the same thing and maybe the only thing he has ever done sit and have a screaming match with the other person except the rules to the game is you may not scream and you better not cuss but its all fair to him. You see rules doesnt apply to him he can do as he wishes because you see hes the queen of wonderland alice. And if he doesnt get what he wants with you heaven forbid it! He will call someone else and give another sad sappy story to get what he wants and 98% of the time it will be a lie and 100% of the time he will get what he wants why becuase he is just like her.

As ive said before im done i hate to be the one and moves away out of county not answer my phone and not return phone calls but you got to do what you got to do to get on with the rest of your life because im not going to let them pull me down this time im much stronger than ive ever been. Its a dog eat dog world. You've got to get to me first and the sad thing is you cant because you have to have a permit and you wont stop calling all your boyfriends and stay off the damn internet to do so and you wont pull your self out of her ass for a breath of fresh air moreless do something that involves some work.