Letter from dad

Today i got a letter from my father it was dated the 20th of this month and i think its weird that when im down he always seems to know an hes depressed to. He wrote me a letter and he feels horrible about what hes done.. not being here for me and he doesnt know how i feel and he doesnt know what i have wrote on my blog until last night i printed it off and sent it in to him. One thing that really make me break down and cry was when he said its amazing how a some one as small as 5 pounds and 4oz can wrap a 6'3" man around her finger. Anyone that knows me will tell you i'm daddys little girl. We have been to hell and back. I've seen that most people dont want to talk to their parents because of something thats happen.. me and my famiy have been threw some pretty hard stuff and we are stronger than ever. For some reason this is killing me i miss my family soo much. Im not going to say all of the stuff he said in the letter but it really touched my heart and makes me see why i was such a daddys girl and im still am.. while reading that letter i found my self crying so hard. GOD I HATE THIS!!!! July 4th is a bigg thing for my family as most holidays are.. we usually grill out and then later that night try to blow our selfs up.. i usually am the one running for cover because there is no telling what the hell dad came up with no telling what hes built or welded last year was dangerous but fun! Well that is my daily blog im blogged out i guess i will go watch the biography of Johnny Depp and cry and write my dad back!

This it to David

The reason i write this to you because you are my annoying retarded asshole brother. Why do we fight... why do we argue.. because we are brother an sister and as much as i hate to admitt it there is nothing that can change that. You are my other half i wouldnt claim if my life depended on it at times. But when you want to be you are a great brother you will kick any bodys ass that tries to step on me and wont think twice about it no matter how big they are. I hate the conversation we had before you went back.. but words have been said and neither one of use can change that we cant take things back we can say sorry and forgive but we both know neither one of us will forget. I just wanted to say i love you keep your head up i miss you all though i hate to say it.

This is to you momma

Times change and poeple do to just know what has changed has made us stronger. All I can say is the pictures speak for them selfs how much we have all changed but never grew a part. There are several people that have influenced me but none that have done what you have!Although we have had a out battles an some words have been said but we both know were we stand as mother an daughter. You have took care of me and nursed me threw my sickness and held my hand when I thought I was alone turned me in the right direction when you felt that I was goin down the same road you did. I know all you ever wanted for me is the best and I love you for that all those times you were preaching and yelling at me you and dad both didn't want me making the same mistakes you did and I can never say thank you so much for being hard on me sometimes and for givin me a enough string to hang my self at times haha that's the only way you ever knew if did something wrong. Thank you for speaking your mind when you knew i didn't care because that made me always think of what you would think. All the advice u and dad have gave me I hope I can give it to my own one day. Thank you for being my best friend my worst enemy LOL and my mother. You helped me except people for who they are never judge some one never put a label on them everyone is equal.. let them tell their own story and all I can say is THANK YOU. Times have changed and we have taken things for granted and some things to heart but atleast we still have each other. You don't know how much it means to me that I still have you guys with me heathly... happy maybe not extremely happy but I told you things could be worse. I have seen you scrap the bottom of your pocket for money but no matter what you and dad always seemed to make sure we had everything we needed and we were happy. And that taught me that even if you have nothing in this world as long as you got family you have the world you have love. Thank you for standing beside me when I needed your opinion when I moved to Indiana and thank you for making me realize how valuable your parents are and making me realize there is no place like home. I love you and I miss you and although I may never say it thank you for workin all the minimum wage jobs to make sure we had a home and had food thank you for making me see that you and dad are my hero. I don't look at you any different there is nothing in this world that can change that im sorry for the time we have spent apart last year and I would make it up and change a lot of things if I had the chance but what I have over come has made me stronger. I love you and miss you just know that you are my hero and we will make up for the lost times when you get home this time we will be closer stronger and ready to kick butt!!!!!!!!!

Love you
Your daughter
Carrie

Happy Birthday Dad

Once more although you may not ever see this or ever take the time to read this I just wanted to say the things im not able to say to you. You are turning 45 years old today I cant believe your getting old LOL.. Yes 45 is old since I can remember your 28th birthday and grandmas and I can remember your 30th birthday at the lake and you almost had a midlife crisis that soon haha.. God I miss you there is not a day that goes by that I don't ponder the fact that it will be 3 years before we ever get to have a normal father daughter relationship again or be a normal family. Please don't let that place change you I love you the way you are I don't look at you any different your still my father my friend and my teacher I miss you so much!!!!!!!!! Some times life isn't so fair but we all have to pay the prices for the choices we make whether they are good or bad. I don't look at you any different your still my daddy and you raised me to be the woman I am today and I think you did a pretty good job. I remember rushing to the truck just to get to go to food world with you. Those are times we both took for granted. When granny died I learned that you never know when the next day may be the last you never know when tomorrow will never come or one day you will be forced to be away from the ones you love the most. I just want you to know that you are my father and there is nothing going to change that, nothing in this world and I pray please don't let that place change who you are.. Just your habits haha. We are a strong family and I say that because we have been to hell and back and we will still fight for each other, stand be side each other no matter who or what tries to come between us. All I can say is thank you for the courage you have gave me the strength to keep goin when I fall on my face and all the times when you were there for me when I felt like no one was there. I still think about when granny died and I felt like no one was there and each time I turned there you were to hold me up, to let me cry, and to keep me company when I felt like my world was crashing around me, to hold my world up as I watched it fall. To back me up and help me move to Indiana when you completely disagreed with me and even though it was hard for you to let it go you still did it and at times to stand behind me even if you knew I was wrong. The time we had as a family was short and cherished but we will pick it up as soon as you and mom are both home!. I miss you guys more then you will ever know or ever imagine. Happy 45th Birthday I hope to see you soon I love you and miss you extremely.

Love you always
your little girl
Carrie

Random Thoughts

Id take it all way the hurt and the tears to see you smile again. The pain that fills your body and the ache that fills your heart. Id give my life for you to have yours for you to be happy. I stand a lonely person so empty never to be understood. To wake up and face reality I do not want, each day is harder than it looks. For it all to be takin away so fast. I blinked and you were gone from my life but never from my heart. My mind swirls with the memories of you and how things use to be. I cried because you gone I cried because I have a fear of being alone. Alone is something I fear the darkness and the cold the emptiness and the sadness. You were my rock my shelter from the storm my eyes to see and my legs to stand and where are you? Why do you leave? Gone from my life gone from what I know best. To go on and live in this world that is gradually falling apart in front of me a little piece each day is dieing with in its self. Why do you tell me you love me and that you will always be here for me? Why do I dwell upon your existence each day of my life? I feel everything has been drained from my soul you have took my heart. Sayin hello to you I shall never, saying goodbye to you I still do. You are no more and I am dead with in so good bye to me and goodbye to you. You were the sand I held so tightly in my fist and I slowly watched as you slipped away threw my fingers you went never to be seen and never to be heard forever to be gone forever I stand.

A Poem Dedicated To My Family

A Familys Unspoken Words

Torn apart can it be put together again?
All the tears that have fallen
Watching everything fall apart in front of you
Hands tied nothing you can do
A family so empty yet so full
Full of Should have beens is what it is.

I sit and look at these photographs
How we’ve all changed an grown apart
No more cute dresses and bed time kisses
No more days together, smiles across my face
Criminal records and unspoken goodbyes
Have changed all that

So in a hurry to leave
Now id fight just to get back
You never know where you’ll go till you get there
But you always remember the way back
Tired of all the pain
Tears streaming down like rain

Sitting here seeing you smiling
My how the times have changed
Now the small amount of time I have with you is limited
Between handcuffs shackles and glass windows
Leaving is always harder then it seems
Saying good bye I shall not.

Turning and walking away is a knife that shoves deeper inside
Everyday that I don’t see you brings on a new pain
I’ve been threw this for so long
I don’t know why I cant kill the pain
Hanging up the telephone is like taking my last breath
As easy it may look but its as hard as it seems.

Happy Fathers Day To You

Happy Fathers Day to you

Although you wil probably never see this i wanted to tell you happy fathers day... This is just one of the special holidays we will spend just like any other day for quite some time. I hope your happy i know your not screaming with joy but, i know your still with me. Dad people make mistakes some more serious then others but that doesnt change the way i feel or the way i look at you. I still am your little girl although we've changed, grew up or even been split apart we are a strong family and we will make it through hard times. You've taught me so much made me a better and stronger person. You taught me how to take care of my self whether it was with my car or just tryin to make it. But most of all you taught me that fallin on your face may hurt but you got to get up and come up swinging.. I love you and i miss you and im sorry we are apart. You are a great teacher a great friend and most of all a great father. I miss the days when i was little and i didnt have a care in the world some times i would trade what i have now just to go back then, to be able to do all the things i took for granted and you know those things. If i could change anything i would have spent more time with you and mom last year but you cant take anything back. Im just scared i wont have long with you and its not fair that we dont get to spend as much time to gether as i wish we could i just wanted to tell you how much i miss you and how much i appreciate you i love you keep your head up... things get worse before they get better.
I love you
Your daughter,
Carrie

Very upset today!

Today I wake up and do my normal routine, then I find my self sitting in front of the computer checking for any sign of existence in the virtual world. I check my myspace then I check my messagers just in case I missed something or someone missed me then I check my site meter and once again its the badgering bitch I have never met that seems to enjoy my writings enough to keep coming back ironic enough her husband liked candy enough to keep coming back for seconds and thirds and some times ALOT more, Cant she get enough, what is it she wants a song and dance? It happened and he liked it and obviously he liked it more than you to keep coming back to say the words he said whether he says he ment it or not I seen the texts and I heard some of the conversations not once did I get in the middle of things not once did I care, Candy was happy and that is all that mattered to me. The you do a little searching being you knew he was making love to another woman but that wasn't enough for you OH NO you had to dig that little secret up and read on and on and on and on about the secret wonder woman that your husband was involved with, you had to know what she has that you didn't well I can start telling you but I don't want to waste my time on your sorry ass no more than I already have, You wanted to know if she kissed better than you you wanted to know if she had sex better than you or she looked better than you and so on and so on well he kept coming back he enjoyed every pumping moment he had he kept her a secret so he could have his cake and eat it too.. Now the truth is out and STILL Angie you cant get enough you still want more. You cant control that good for nothing husband he still calls he still calls and hangs up hmm is it him or is he lieing once again like he did before?! Im tired of you and your shit... you come to my blog lookin for something you missed you missed a lot whether you want to read it or not he was there they were there and it happened get over it. Is it a dirty little secret you just want to sweep under the rug? How come you keep coming back? Can you not get enough that your husband is a fuckin cheater?! I had nothing to do with this shit until you started coming to my damn blog I didn't have a thing to do with that bastard.. Or you.. Or your fucked up marriage! I minded my own business but being candys friend maybe I have a secret to tell.... hmm is that what thought well its not I have my own life and what happends in my life has nothing to do with you and your fucked up one. Now if you will go on an suck it up you both fucked it up. The book will be published soon so if you will gladly fuck off and go to hell and leave me out of you shit I will gladly stay out if there is anything you want to know of feel like you cant go on another second with out knowing why don't you e-mail me or candy?! get a life cause it seems you cant get enough of mine or candys that your is sooo bad you dont have any other reading material we wont tell you anything you dont know! U know what happened or do you? You say you want a perfect family or do you? You say you want him to be there for your kids or do you? What do you think about when he kisses you..well we all know who he thinks about when hes kissin you.


Heres a little Marcy Playground-- Sex and Candy for you
To sit and think
about myself
And then there she was
Like double cherry pie
Yeah there she was
Like disco superfly
I smell sex and
candy here
Who's that lounging
in my chair
Who's that casting
devious stares
In my direction
Mama this surely
is a dream

Missing My Dad

I thought i would never show this to anybody HA im such a dork but this is how much i miss my dad everyday brings on a new hurt! i dont think i can keep doin this shit! The good ol days were shit around me was happing and i didnt care as long as i had my daddy and M*A*S*H lol i miss the old bird but time can heal all wounds and can make things better :) We both know that candy land! Luv you and miss you awful!

Daniel Powter-- Had A Bad Day Lyrics

Where is the moment we needed the most
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost
They tell me your blue skies fade to gray
They tell me your passion's gone away
And I don't need no carryin' on

You stand in the line just to hit a new low
You're faking a smile with the coffee you go
You tell me your life's been way off line
You're falling to pieces every time
And I don't need no carryin' on

Because you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day
You had a bad day

Will you need a blue sky holiday?
The point is they laugh at what you say
And I don't need no carryin' on

You had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
The camera don't lie
You're coming back down and you really don't mind
You had a bad day

Sometimes the system goes on the blink
And the whole thing turns out wrong
You might not make it back and you know
That you could be well oh that strong
And I'm not wrong

So where is the passion when you need it the most
Oh you and I
You kick up the leaves and the magic is lost

Cause you had a bad day
You're taking one down
You sing a sad song just to turn it around
You say you don't know
You tell me don't lie
You work at a smile and you go for a ride
You had a bad day
You've seen what you like
And how does it feel for one more time
You had a bad day
You had a bad day

Dixie Chicks-- Not Ready To Make Nice Lyrics

Lyrics for "Not Ready To Make Nice"

Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I’m not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I’m still waiting

I’m through with doubt
There’s nothing left for me to figure out
I’ve paid a price
And I’ll keep paying

I’m not ready to make nice
I’m not ready to back down
I’m still mad as hell and
I don’t have time to go round and round and round
It’s too late to make it right
I probably wouldn’t if I could
‘Cause I’m mad as hellC
an’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should

I know you said
Can’t you just get over it
It turned my whole world around
And I kind of like it

I made my bed and I sleep like a baby
With no regrets and I don’t mind sayin’
It’s a sad sad story when a mother will teach her
Daughter that she ought to hate a perfect stranger
And how in the world can the words that I said
Send somebody so over the edge
That they’d write me a letter
Sayin’ that I better shut up and sing
Or my life will be over

I’m not ready to make nice
I’m not ready to back down
I’m still mad as hell and
I don’t have time to go round and round and round
It’s too late to make it right
I probably wouldn’t if I could
‘Cause I’m mad as hell
Can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should

I’m not ready to make nice
I’m not ready to back down
I’m still mad as hell and
I don’t have time to go round and round and round
It’s too late to make it right
I probably wouldn’t if I could
‘Cause I’m mad as hell
Can’t bring myself to do what it is you think I should

Forgive, sounds good
Forget, I’m not sure I could
They say time heals everything
But I’m still waiting

Depressed

Sittin here looking at photographs some send excitement threw my body thinkin wow I can remember when I did that or wow I looked good.. But theres always those that you will stumble upon not meaning to that will bring everything crashing to the ground.. I know things always get worse before they get better or at least thats what they all tell me anyways.. Well I feel the worse has came and gone and its time to shine a little light in on my situation.. Time for mom to come home and start a fresh new life and be happy and wait on dad to come home to and with a little time and help we will hopefully all be together again but things never go as planed EVER! So im dreading the long road a head of me! Im scared of the bumps and turns im scared of not knowing what will come!

Growing up in the family I have, I have learnt to give hope and maybe things will pull threw.. hope is what i got but my family isnt. I was sitting down to day and I was going to attempt to write, something I haven't done in quite some time I couldn't get my mind to stop wondering.. Its seemed to be hard to do now days! Time apart can that be made up for? Can you teach an old dog new tricks? Do things really happen for a reason? These are some of the questions I find my self pulling my hair out over from day to day... waiting on the next letter waiting on the next im ok. Times have changed and so have the people around me I just hope they can keep up. I miss them I love them and I pray for them... but is that enough? Can I do this!!!!!!!!! I told her I will be her legs to stand I will be her wall to lean on I will be her best friend and I will be her eyes to guide her threw the rough and tiring journey thats a sacrifice I am willing to take to see her smile...

A smile makes it all go away, a laugh makes me ok, to see her to know she's ok makes me sleep at night. What makes me have the nightmares is never seeing him, hes a tough old bird and he even says so be can words be enough to satisfy me? No I want proof I want to be able to give him a hug to tell him I love him and not to worry about me im ok I love him and things will get better soon.. right? I don't want to lie to him but if that makes it all better is that right? I lie to my self day in and day out telling my self it will all be ok.. to day will be better then yesterday I wont cry I wont be sad I wont do this to my self but then just like always I tuck my tail and cry wonderin what I did why, what ever it is im paying for it now!!

Update!!

Nothing to report for those whom it may concern or those who i am on your mind all the time.. Soon i will be able to see my father i hope starting to miss him awful! Been raining for like the last week but all is good seen my neice and nephew for 2 days soo what can be better than that!