Why!?

Some times i wonder if that little sayin "God doesnt build a mountain you can't climb" is true.. I have had so many obsticles in my way in life most the time i dont know whether im coming and going.. i would say its my family that keeps me on track but half my family is in jail or is going to be in there with in 5 years.. its sad to say but knowing my parents are where they are is what keeps me going i know what i have to do to make my life better and i know what to do to get my life back on track.. its gonna take time and patients.. things are getting better and my ear seems to be getting on the right track so all i gotta do go threw this plastic surgery.

This Is To You

To fall on your face every now and then how is that a bad thing it teaches you to get back up and keep fighting. Life is hell and thats something every one has to deal with. Ive learned to take care of my self and to tell every one what my daddy told me to tell them "KISS MY ASS". Theres one thing i have learned is you cant make everybody happy there will always be someone who you have pissed in there fruit loops but there is one thing that will always happen THEY WILL GET OVER IT it may take time and it maybe a loooooonnnngggg time but they will get over it.

"Dont cry because its over..........Smile because it happened" you shoulda sat in front of the door when you got a chance thats what you should cry over. Remember "lifes a dance learn as you go sometimes you lead sometimes you follow"
"Tis better to have loved and lost then to never have loved before"
Let mother nature take her course and you will know and understand sometimes people have to have patience to get what they want or the answers to what they are wanting.

Yes words have been said and words will continue to be said because there is no stoping it.... you may promise the world one day and take it back the next and hate that person you can never really promise anything becuase it will come back to bite you on the ass. Feelings are ment to be hurt like rules are ment to be broken time heals all things. Its just sometimes you dont take time out of your busy day to see all the people you do hurt that are so important to you.. you hurt the one close to you enough they will up and leave and i hate to say this but its the best thing for both parties 1) because the one whose being hurt is getting the hell out of there and into a better place and 2) because the one who was doin all the hurting is finally seeing how much they take things for granted and how bad they hurt the other one and they are payin for it now.

"THE SECOND MOUSE ALWAYS GETS THE CHEESE"

" Ive tried sniffing coke once.......but the ice cubes kept getting stuck in my nose!!"

goin to bed night to all!!!!

Facing My Fears

Well yesturday was the day i'd face my fears and bite my lip no matter how mad i was or how much i wanted to cry i had to walk in to that jail with my head held high and be strong i seen my mom first at 1pm i seen her for like 15 minutes. The moment i layed eyes on her i felt so horrible i wanted to give her a smoke (even tho i dont have one cause i dont smoke) id die gettin her one and tell her everthing was going to be ok she saw me and she started cryin sayin "what have i done" i told her everything was goin ok i felt so bad i promised my self i wouldnt cry when i saw her it took everything in me to not cry but life goes on i guess then i seen my dad at 1:45 pm i seen him for 15 minutes it was just as bad but seein my mom was the worse i hated seeing her like that, that was the first time in my entire life that i had seen her that and my dad he was bad seeing him in jail it crushes a girls dreams specially if your a daddys girl then they tell me what to do with their stuff and their house and get them a lawyer a new one and i go to my uncles house to do all these things and when i walk in everybody hates me i dont know what to do every body blames me for what mom and dad said its not like i made it up or told them to say it.. if thats how they feel then me being the most responsible child then id do the same thing that they are. But once again life goes on and i hope i can get my mom out because im just so tired of doing it all my self i need them here to help too or at least one of em'

Reality..

WARNING THIS IS A LONG BLOG ENTRY AND ITS DEPRESSIN HAHA J/K!!!

Reality really blows its like running right into a brick wall backing up and going full speed right back into it again. Today reality really set in when i picked up the phone this morning to call and tell my mom i was ok and good morning (when really it meant good afternoon) i cant count the times i picked up my cell phone (moms on speed dial sad isnt it) and pressed her number let it ring at least once before i realized "oh wait they arent there and wont be there for a long long long long long long (get my drift) time" Oh brother dearest went and got my mom and dad a phone card so they can call home but they didnt call me OHHHHH NOOO BIG NO NO i know exactly what my mom thought when she said "so hows carrie taking it is she mad is she ok" and my brother says "oh shes fine shes not mad at all shes furious" Im like a walking time bomb just waiting for the right time and the person to go off on. Im going to visit saturday well today and i dont really know what to say i mean i know what to say but i dont know if its the right things to say i dont know even if i should say anything because what i said to them up to now hasnt made a damn bit of difference i just wish i could just make sense of my self some times. I have all the mixed feelings for them i so damn mad i cant stand my self im sad because i wont have them by my side like i want (pathetic huh?!) i wanna cry because i feel bad for them, i wanna kick there ass because they did this, and im depressed for some reason cause i feel so alone!!!!! I just know if i sit in silence and just stare at them they would probably get my drift but then again the 15 minutes i get to visit looking threw a glass window and talking on a phone (something i wanna tell the grand kids) is valuble time because i dont have a phone for them to call me ill only get to see them 1 time a week or speak to them one time a week but i tell my self its not my fault they did this to them selves. The court told my dads lawyer to day the best that they can do for him is 12 years and spend 6 before he can even attempt to let him see a parole board he will be 50 yrs old!!!!!! Mom on the other hand they are working with her a little bit. I just want things to go back to when i was a kid skinned knees are so much easier to fix then broken hearts, i remember when my dad actually held a job held one for like 16 yrs yes as hard as it is to believe he did and he was a father not a drug dealer we sat down and had dinner like a family not sitting down in court talkin about jail time we went on family vacations together not taking a 6 year vacation to a prision i just wish it'd all change!!! But then again i can wiggle my nose and make it all go away they brought all this stuff among them selves why should i havet to be responsible for a mess i didnt have any thing to do with why do i care why do i attempt to try and believe every lie that comes out of there mouth... because they are my parents and i will all ways have one mom and dad no matter how much they fuck me over. And again i wish god would shine a little light on me and if this is the only light hes got for me he can KEEP IT i dont want any more trouble im tired of trouble. My mom always told me god wouldnt build a moutain you can climb but i cant climb this mountain not by my self i feel like im in one of those dreams where im falling and i just wish i would smack the ground already!... DRAMA!!! If any body doesnt know bout drama they should hang around me a little while ill teach em' lil sumthin sumthin... i guess i will go whine else where just wanna leave ya with a last note i only hurt for a little while......

Just Writing

Well decided to go a head and write for my number 1 fans readin material.. since they get up in the morning and read my depressin blog KIDDING haha gotta keep ya entertained. Betta know who i am.. get beat up hehe :)

What did i say in my last entry..."id ask my self if things could get any worse and trust me they can" well i think i jinix my self every time EVERY TIME i open my big mouth and i jinix my self mom and dad got busted again for like the 300th time why does it bother me any more i should just kinda shrug it off but i dont it like breaks my heart. Last night i was walkin my dog and i was lookin up at the stars ( for some reason i have some weird thing with stars dont ask) and i felt so empty in side like there was no fight any more but no matter how much i say im done i dont care anymore i do... i do care because they are my mom and dad and ill only have one mom and dad and i know if i was in the same situation that they would help me... after talkin to some one tonight about the whole problem made me feel alittle bit better. i been going back and forth to the computer lookin at there pictures on the jail website thinking about what i could say or if i was going to say any thing cause all the stuff i have said up till now went in one ear and out the other well once again i dont wanna be right and i am.

I just wish things would get better but i question that cause all the bad things that happen ya'd think god may shine a little light on me nope anything that possibly can go wrong to me will!! I just feel lonley and empty reality hasnt sunkin yet! Dont really know where to turn or what im doing or if i actually care i just know in a couple months ill be better i wont be lonley anymore..

DONT KILL THE A/C!!!!!

Nothing Ever Stays The Same Poem

Nothing Ever Stays The Same

I need to clear my mind,
It's this smile i been hiding behind..
Why do i choose to cover up?
Why do i keep things bottled up?

I need a change,
Why does everything seem so strange..
I need to get everything under control,
I feel like im stuck in a hole.

Nothing ever stays the same,
Why is it I feel like i'm part of the blame?
Everytime I always find my self crying..
Wondering why I keep trying?!

My mind is always confused...
While my heart stays brusied,
Im so tired of this game...
Nothing ever stays the same.

Summer Camp!

SURVEY SAYS! My Mom and Dad are going to "summer camp" LOL for a long long time. I could see the delight in the judges eyes as he held everyones future in the palm of his hands! He sentenced this woman probation an it was her third defense and she was charged with the same thing! Then He had the balls to look at my mom and dad and say do you know people with your charges get 40 years i thought i could say a couple of things but i dont wanna go to jail to!! They knocked down my father sentense to 12 years and then when they knocked my moms down to 2 1/2 years i thought OHHH dont do us any favors! We go back to court Nov 2nd OH JOY! Mean while i have that little bit of hope for some odd reason i hope that the judge gets laid and is like ohh you both spend 60 days and well call it even but i seriously doubt that will happen!

Learning A New Dance

If there is any thing i have learned from these past couple days is...

*Lifes a dance, you learn as you go*

Thinking

My mind is wonderin in places i dont want it to!

Have you ever felt that you have worked so hard and you've received nothing, or maybe everything you worked so hard to keep has just been taking away from you?

I feel like im cursed, i feel like every one i have ever loved has either died or been taking way from me for a long long long time and one thing that i cant stand is to want something and not be able to have it, im not selfish its just when i want something i want it i dont want to have to wait. I have learned to cope with my family members being thrown in jail or everyone i ever loved dieing but i dont know anymore things just seem to keep getting harder and harder anymore i cant smile its like a really bad movie and you wished the damn thing would be over already and get straight to the credits! I cant smile anymore theres no reason to smile no reason to live, whats the reason to wake up? Theres gonna be no one there just a nother lonley day with out anyone! You know that little voice in your head (or maybe im insane and crazy) well any way that little voice in my head keeps asking why me? I have lost the next best thing to my mother she was there for me to talk to she was my grandmother when she died i felt so empty in side i didnt know who to turn to or if i even wanted to live the next day. Then my brother got put in prision i wasnt ever really close to my brother we are like night and day complete opposites but so much alike in so many ways but when i he was taken away i thought things couldnt get any worst things were at there absolute worst... thats when i thought to soon my best friend becky got killed leaving my house DAMN why me why wasnt i there i could have stopped it from happening but i wasnt and i hate my self for it still to this day but when i was sitting threw her funeral at that very second i thought this is it there is no reason to live nothing could possibly mean enough for me to go on to the next day! Then i found it i sat and watched my twin neice and nephew and my cousin grow thats the best thing is to watch everything grow.

I had been streched to my limits. I thought maybe god would shine a little light on me i was tired of being in the dark, but just when i thought he had mercy i thought to soon why would he want to see me happy i thought he was picking on me, he took the two most important people away from me the only people i had to turn to, the people that would fight a battle even if they knew they would loose or even if they knew it would cost them there life, my parents. And anyone who knews me or has ever listen to me talk about my parents knows no matter what they have done to me or said to me they were my parents and i was going to be there for them no matter what, but this time i had no control over anything i couldnt scream i couldnt run i couldnt cry because no matter how much i did any of those things there was no changing what would happen. I just never felt so lonley in my life. WHY ME!? Now if you reading this and your wondering why im whining like this and you havent figured it out maybe im not being blunt enough for you lol. No my parents arent dead i guess it could be worse huh? But there not that phone call away, when you feel down and no ones around and you think your parents may listen i dont have that they arent around the corner any more not there for the holidays while everyone is curled up around the fire enjoying the holidays with there loved ones im just kinda hanging out ALONE waiting for mccracken county jail telephone calls just to be able to say merry christmas or happy fucking birthday! Its not really about being lonley its about WHY ME im afraid to ask my self can things really get any worse cause trust me it can!

The Worse Is Yet To Come

WHATS HAPPENING!!!!

Yesturday was the worst day of my life. After sitting and waiting for the conclusion about whats going it actually happen to my parents after been waiting for 8 months.... did i specify 8 months i had to wait just a couple more hours to see if they get the shaft. And the shaft is what they got, my skin got tight it was like it didnt fit any more and i didnt know what to do my mind told me to run till my legs couldnt carry me no more, but my knees where too weak and i felt like i was standing in this huge puddle quick sand, my heart was screaming and cursing i started looking around for someone to comfort me but when i looked around i saw no one, no one was there to see my pain or my hurt. I was reaching out and I seen no one there that would really know what i was going threw. When i finally picked my self up off the floor i felt so drained like everything that i have worked so hard to keep was being tore apart from me. And on top of that some little cum guzzling gutter whore had called my brother parole officer on him trying to get him put back in the hell hole he just got out of. ( My family is a circus). This girl...well if you ever met her you'd think she was a man but hey thats besides the point she/he was upset because my brother wont have anything to do with it because just maybe, just maybe, MAYBE once in his life he would like to try to get his life to gether straightin up and raise his children like hes suppose to and be a husband. He told her he didnt want anything to do with her so the stupid bitch calls his parole officer i knew from the moment i met this she/man it was going to be trouble!

Well any ways when i got home last night i called the only person that i thought could understand me, the only person i felt that could feel my pain and even if she didnt i knew she could at least fake it lol. I called her and talked to her about what went on at work and she got me in a better mood and i was laughing. When i got off the phone with her i felt like 100 pounds was lifted off my chest like i had no more worries but when i stopped and thought about it there was so much i was trying to hide and cover with a smile and i have done that for so long it just comes natural to me but for the first time last night i couldnt smile i found my self in my bed crying and screaming and wondering what i did so wrong to keep having the people i love takein away from me. And once again i felt a lone again the same lonliness i felt earlier that day. When i felt like i was done with my little fit i got up and went to sit out side and it was dark, cold and raining ( i love it when it rains!!!!!!) I sat there and listened to it rain and felt the coldness take over my body and watched as traffic passed by and thought to my self for 2 more years this is what it will be like no one there no one to turn to, lonley! At that second i just was empty in side.

How do i cope? How do i stand on both feet with out falling to my knees while everybody else is leaning on me and counting on me to be there for them and to help them? How am i going to do it i dont know all these questions are in with the other thousands of questions i have in my head that i still dont have the answers to. Where am i going in life? Why am i here? What do i do next? And what the hell am i going to do if i let everyone down and i accidently fall!? I just dont know i hate this feeling.

A Poem

Parents

Its like my life has past right be for my eyes;
Wow this really is a big surprise;
Where did it all go…
What do I have to show?

With out them what would I do?
They sat and watched me as I grew;
They watched me craw…
I can even remember, when dad taught me how to draw.

I can always count on them to be there;
This is something I can absolutely swear.
They taught me how to drive;
They told me to always thrive.

With out them where would I be?
I have no clue but that’s some thing that’s never affected me.
They will always be there;
They always seem to care.

They told me to be the best,
So I put my self to the test.
You must have done something right,
I’m standing in life holding on tight.

Fallen Tears Poem

Fallen Tears

Knowing that your not there,
Wondering if you care,
Why do you do the things you do?
Wondering why i'm missing you.

This really isnt fair..
You act as if you didnt care,
Why do you hurt me?
Why wouldnt you just let me be?

You act as though me seeing her..
Was all of a sudden one big blur,
You had to lie..
You even sat and watched me cry.

Tears Falling down my face,
Your such a disgrace,
All the pain and hurt inside..
Realizing you took all my pride.

You better count your days,
Cause i'm thinking up ways..
To hurt you like you hurt me,
You just wait and see.

Waiting For You

Waiting For You

Saying "I love you"
I knew that moment was true,
Cause me loosing you..
I wouldn't know what to do.

You knew the words to say,
You chased all my fears away,
I smile when the thought of you comes to mind..
I smile at the thought of your lips touching mine.

Waiting for you..
Is what i will do,
You are everything to me..
This i hope you see.

I have dreamt of this,
A thousand times before..
To have gave someone my heart,
When really they had it from the start.

I hope you can see..
All these crazy things you do to me,
You being so far away,
Ill be right here waiting on that day.

Distance

Distance

Thinking of you makes me smile,

Waiting for you is worthwhile,

I didn't think I could find someone so true

Someone as special as you.

The distance between you and I,

Hopefully it will fly by,

'Cause I cant begin to describe..

This feeling I have inside.

Its you i think of at night..

While i'm holding my pillow tight

Wishing you were here with me

I know soon we will be.

You say the sweetest things..

You dont know the happiness that it brings,

You know how to put a smile on my face..

You know how to make my heart race.

You know the exact words to say,

Talking to you brightens my day,

I cant wait for you to come home...

So then we both wont be so alone.

The Coldness

The Coldness Inside

Drowning in pain
Feeling a little insane
Cant control my pace
Tears streaming down my face

Wish my life would go up in flames
My tears would dry and not pour like rain
Wish my heart wouldnt race
Wish i didnt have this killing taste

Feels like im living in a cage
Feels like my heart is cold as ice and stained
My body burns like mase
Oh god i wish this wasnt the case

Feels like im tied down by a chain
My life is a little lame
I wish he was the one i could hunt down and chase
But i cant and tears are still flooding down my face!

This Is For You Becky

Earth, Heaven, Hell

Roses are blooming

While hearts are breaking

But one soul isnt taken

Humans are suffering

Their bodies are aching

But there lives are wakening

This parallel world we call earth is mistaken

A place we rome, suffer, die, despise our ummortalily

A place we were sent for judgement day

A place called limbo

Somewhere between

Not heaven nor hell

But a parallel world

We suffer for he has suffered

We lie to hide of fear and fright

We will get good deeds as he

If we are pure and clean

Not dirty and mean

Life is what you want to make it

A gift?!

A curse?!

Heaven or Hell

This is a poem written by Becky Louise Adams she was my best friend and she died about 2 months after writing this. Its amazing how the good die young. I blame my self for her dieing i should have been there for her but at least i know that i was there with her very last breath. I know she was hurt alot in life and now she can be in peace.

Eyes

Eyes

Eyes are the key
Look into mine deep
Stare hard
See what you can see in me
Tell me what you see
One thousand lives?
Or just one?

Imagination that will take you to a parallel world?
Some where else?
But not in belief
And only you and I can see
In 35 seconds you will see the meaning in life
The meaning to me
Death, Reincarnation, Discrimination

Everything of this world
Just look in to my eyes
Stare down deep and you just might find the key.

Whose It Gonna Be?

Who is it gonna be?

I dont know who you are anymore

Or did i really know you before?

"No more lies" this you swore

You twisted my heart..

And watched as it fell apart.

You say your done you don't want anymore?

But again I ask who is this whore

I often wonder why its me you always ignore

You say i got issues?

But its you who is always pointing fingers and tryin to accuse

Did you really care about your family

Or was it women you wanted so badly

You always say im so bitchy

You always said blood before water

You wonder where i get this anger?

Why do you use me?

Did you actually think i wouldnt see?

How evil and deciving you can be..

Now that your free

You dont need me

You say you miss her and your so sad

Well i hate to say this but im kinda glad

When do you intend to be a dad?

I hope life treats you kind

But you didnt need me so keep it in mind.

You know whats sad

You, with this nasty whore its discusting i might add

Like I care if i make you mad!

You can say its part of the plan

Please David she looks like a man

You say ill get over it..

You are in the wrong ill be one to admit it,

Dont be mad at me your the one that said it,

I wont forgive and i wont forget..

This is something I'm willing to bet.

Its like you change every day..

One of these days you'll pay...

Its like I know every lie your gonna say,

Why do you get so angry with me?

So tell me whose it gonna be?

Why do you suspect im so bitter?

Hello did you forget?

IM YOUR SISTER!

I Hate You

I hate you.

As I look out the window
Suddenly I can see
I hate this feeling you give me
I feel like there is no one to save me

Where do you get off on watching me suffer
You act like no other
You selfish Bitch
I hope you burn in hell for this shit

As I look into your eyes
Its to my surprise the demented
Mental shit that’s built up deep inside
I tell my self your fucking crazy

Once again I look into your eyes
They remind me of a mad man
I suddenly feel the squeezing
Of your hands around my throat

I FUCKING HATE YOU

I close my eyes
Wishing you’d just disappear
I begin to wonder what have I done to make you do this
Do you get off on hurting me

Are you fucking insane

I thought you loved me
This you said was true
For what reason do you
Do the things you do

You told me I’d find no other
I was a whore just like my mother
Bitch you were wrong
Keep telling yourself that you are man.

Love

Love?

He said "I love you"...
Can it be true?
Is it possible to love someone you never knew?
Do I love him too?

Will he be true to me
Will he sweep me off my feet?
I don't know I guess we'll see
He is so unbelievably sweet

Will he lie?
Will he make me smile?
And if he does lie will he try to deny?
I guess its worthwhile!

I trust you
I hope I'm not looking like a fool
But I will always love you

His Lies

His Lies

He’s been out drinking
Again with all the guys
This time she’s sitting up waiting
Tired of all the lies

He stumbles threw the door without thinking
Its true she finally sees their bodies
Yelling and screaming
She falls to her knees face in her hands and cries.

The pain of her heart breaking
A thought comes to her surprise
Her body begins shaking
She will get rid of him and all his lies.

You'll Think Of Me

You'll think of me

When the world gets you down
And there's no one else around
And you feel like your life has fallen to the ground
Wondering what we would be?
You'll think of me

Remembering the words " I DO"
Wondering if our love could have been true?
Was it true enough for you?
One of these days
You'll think of me

I'll run across your mind
And you'll see her love made you blind
She really wasn't your kind
Wondering what we would be?
You'll think of me

Was our love worthwhile?
You said I made you smile..
I guess it was only for a while
One of these days
You'll think of me

You'll think of me
Wondering what could be
Was the problem me?
I guess I'll never see
Now my love, you can be free

Goodbye

Goodbye
Don't waste your time on me
Please just let me be
For once in my life I want to be free
What part of that do you not see?
Go ahead and disagree..

I want this to end.
I want you just as a friend
Ill always be there in case you need a mend
Ill always be there to lend a hand
This isn't something that was planned..

I'm just so tired
You don't have the devotion I desired
You once were admired
But no more
Now your rather a bore

I promise there's no other guy
Your part of the blame so don't deny
I know you'll always question why
This is going to make me cry
But this is our final Goodbye.

Gazing Refections

Gazing Reflections

Gazing in a mirror
Life isn't as clear
Friends and family aren't as near
Do they care?
Why care?

Seeing a reflection in water
What beauty lies within?
Can it be a sin?
To move in life so fast...
Like the ripples in the wind?

Gazing out a window
Opportunities the world beholds
How it can free a soul
Staring down a road, not knowing where it will go
What do i have to show?

Seeing a reflection in a gazing ball
Always distorting all...
Pushing against this wall
The wall that holds me back
Still the desire and passion i do not lack.