Thinking

My mind is wonderin in places i dont want it to!

Have you ever felt that you have worked so hard and you've received nothing, or maybe everything you worked so hard to keep has just been taking away from you?

I feel like im cursed, i feel like every one i have ever loved has either died or been taking way from me for a long long long time and one thing that i cant stand is to want something and not be able to have it, im not selfish its just when i want something i want it i dont want to have to wait. I have learned to cope with my family members being thrown in jail or everyone i ever loved dieing but i dont know anymore things just seem to keep getting harder and harder anymore i cant smile its like a really bad movie and you wished the damn thing would be over already and get straight to the credits! I cant smile anymore theres no reason to smile no reason to live, whats the reason to wake up? Theres gonna be no one there just a nother lonley day with out anyone! You know that little voice in your head (or maybe im insane and crazy) well any way that little voice in my head keeps asking why me? I have lost the next best thing to my mother she was there for me to talk to she was my grandmother when she died i felt so empty in side i didnt know who to turn to or if i even wanted to live the next day. Then my brother got put in prision i wasnt ever really close to my brother we are like night and day complete opposites but so much alike in so many ways but when i he was taken away i thought things couldnt get any worst things were at there absolute worst... thats when i thought to soon my best friend becky got killed leaving my house DAMN why me why wasnt i there i could have stopped it from happening but i wasnt and i hate my self for it still to this day but when i was sitting threw her funeral at that very second i thought this is it there is no reason to live nothing could possibly mean enough for me to go on to the next day! Then i found it i sat and watched my twin neice and nephew and my cousin grow thats the best thing is to watch everything grow.

I had been streched to my limits. I thought maybe god would shine a little light on me i was tired of being in the dark, but just when i thought he had mercy i thought to soon why would he want to see me happy i thought he was picking on me, he took the two most important people away from me the only people i had to turn to, the people that would fight a battle even if they knew they would loose or even if they knew it would cost them there life, my parents. And anyone who knews me or has ever listen to me talk about my parents knows no matter what they have done to me or said to me they were my parents and i was going to be there for them no matter what, but this time i had no control over anything i couldnt scream i couldnt run i couldnt cry because no matter how much i did any of those things there was no changing what would happen. I just never felt so lonley in my life. WHY ME!? Now if you reading this and your wondering why im whining like this and you havent figured it out maybe im not being blunt enough for you lol. No my parents arent dead i guess it could be worse huh? But there not that phone call away, when you feel down and no ones around and you think your parents may listen i dont have that they arent around the corner any more not there for the holidays while everyone is curled up around the fire enjoying the holidays with there loved ones im just kinda hanging out ALONE waiting for mccracken county jail telephone calls just to be able to say merry christmas or happy fucking birthday! Its not really about being lonley its about WHY ME im afraid to ask my self can things really get any worse cause trust me it can!