Reality..

WARNING THIS IS A LONG BLOG ENTRY AND ITS DEPRESSIN HAHA J/K!!!

Reality really blows its like running right into a brick wall backing up and going full speed right back into it again. Today reality really set in when i picked up the phone this morning to call and tell my mom i was ok and good morning (when really it meant good afternoon) i cant count the times i picked up my cell phone (moms on speed dial sad isnt it) and pressed her number let it ring at least once before i realized "oh wait they arent there and wont be there for a long long long long long long (get my drift) time" Oh brother dearest went and got my mom and dad a phone card so they can call home but they didnt call me OHHHHH NOOO BIG NO NO i know exactly what my mom thought when she said "so hows carrie taking it is she mad is she ok" and my brother says "oh shes fine shes not mad at all shes furious" Im like a walking time bomb just waiting for the right time and the person to go off on. Im going to visit saturday well today and i dont really know what to say i mean i know what to say but i dont know if its the right things to say i dont know even if i should say anything because what i said to them up to now hasnt made a damn bit of difference i just wish i could just make sense of my self some times. I have all the mixed feelings for them i so damn mad i cant stand my self im sad because i wont have them by my side like i want (pathetic huh?!) i wanna cry because i feel bad for them, i wanna kick there ass because they did this, and im depressed for some reason cause i feel so alone!!!!! I just know if i sit in silence and just stare at them they would probably get my drift but then again the 15 minutes i get to visit looking threw a glass window and talking on a phone (something i wanna tell the grand kids) is valuble time because i dont have a phone for them to call me ill only get to see them 1 time a week or speak to them one time a week but i tell my self its not my fault they did this to them selves. The court told my dads lawyer to day the best that they can do for him is 12 years and spend 6 before he can even attempt to let him see a parole board he will be 50 yrs old!!!!!! Mom on the other hand they are working with her a little bit. I just want things to go back to when i was a kid skinned knees are so much easier to fix then broken hearts, i remember when my dad actually held a job held one for like 16 yrs yes as hard as it is to believe he did and he was a father not a drug dealer we sat down and had dinner like a family not sitting down in court talkin about jail time we went on family vacations together not taking a 6 year vacation to a prision i just wish it'd all change!!! But then again i can wiggle my nose and make it all go away they brought all this stuff among them selves why should i havet to be responsible for a mess i didnt have any thing to do with why do i care why do i attempt to try and believe every lie that comes out of there mouth... because they are my parents and i will all ways have one mom and dad no matter how much they fuck me over. And again i wish god would shine a little light on me and if this is the only light hes got for me he can KEEP IT i dont want any more trouble im tired of trouble. My mom always told me god wouldnt build a moutain you can climb but i cant climb this mountain not by my self i feel like im in one of those dreams where im falling and i just wish i would smack the ground already!... DRAMA!!! If any body doesnt know bout drama they should hang around me a little while ill teach em' lil sumthin sumthin... i guess i will go whine else where just wanna leave ya with a last note i only hurt for a little while......