The Worse Is Yet To Come

WHATS HAPPENING!!!!

Yesturday was the worst day of my life. After sitting and waiting for the conclusion about whats going it actually happen to my parents after been waiting for 8 months.... did i specify 8 months i had to wait just a couple more hours to see if they get the shaft. And the shaft is what they got, my skin got tight it was like it didnt fit any more and i didnt know what to do my mind told me to run till my legs couldnt carry me no more, but my knees where too weak and i felt like i was standing in this huge puddle quick sand, my heart was screaming and cursing i started looking around for someone to comfort me but when i looked around i saw no one, no one was there to see my pain or my hurt. I was reaching out and I seen no one there that would really know what i was going threw. When i finally picked my self up off the floor i felt so drained like everything that i have worked so hard to keep was being tore apart from me. And on top of that some little cum guzzling gutter whore had called my brother parole officer on him trying to get him put back in the hell hole he just got out of. ( My family is a circus). This girl...well if you ever met her you'd think she was a man but hey thats besides the point she/he was upset because my brother wont have anything to do with it because just maybe, just maybe, MAYBE once in his life he would like to try to get his life to gether straightin up and raise his children like hes suppose to and be a husband. He told her he didnt want anything to do with her so the stupid bitch calls his parole officer i knew from the moment i met this she/man it was going to be trouble!

Well any ways when i got home last night i called the only person that i thought could understand me, the only person i felt that could feel my pain and even if she didnt i knew she could at least fake it lol. I called her and talked to her about what went on at work and she got me in a better mood and i was laughing. When i got off the phone with her i felt like 100 pounds was lifted off my chest like i had no more worries but when i stopped and thought about it there was so much i was trying to hide and cover with a smile and i have done that for so long it just comes natural to me but for the first time last night i couldnt smile i found my self in my bed crying and screaming and wondering what i did so wrong to keep having the people i love takein away from me. And once again i felt a lone again the same lonliness i felt earlier that day. When i felt like i was done with my little fit i got up and went to sit out side and it was dark, cold and raining ( i love it when it rains!!!!!!) I sat there and listened to it rain and felt the coldness take over my body and watched as traffic passed by and thought to my self for 2 more years this is what it will be like no one there no one to turn to, lonley! At that second i just was empty in side.

How do i cope? How do i stand on both feet with out falling to my knees while everybody else is leaning on me and counting on me to be there for them and to help them? How am i going to do it i dont know all these questions are in with the other thousands of questions i have in my head that i still dont have the answers to. Where am i going in life? Why am i here? What do i do next? And what the hell am i going to do if i let everyone down and i accidently fall!? I just dont know i hate this feeling.