I have yet to shed any tears I'm still fighting them.... at times i found my self leaning at work today fighting off the tears in a day dream. Its not so bad when you go months with out seeing him because the pain is there the hurt is there but you've had time to tame that pain.. that hurt. I guess it kinda goes with that saying time heals all wounds, you learn to tame the pain. But all that pain and hurt i have buried in to my soul something i cant get rid of me it haunts me each and every single day came at me like i ran straight in to a brick wall.

Sitting at the steps at this place my father spends each and every waking moment of his life. In my 20 years i would have never imagined i would be standing in this very place seeing this man behind bars like this i always thought we were better than that but i guess when your at the top there is only one place to go and that is at the bottom, But as the butler in batman says "why do we fall bruce? To pick our selves back up again" Ever since i have heard that i have done nothing but replay that in my head my heart and my soul because i know there is a place for me at the top there is a place for everyone we just got to be willing to make it happen. Ive been on the bottom so long ive gotten cozy and afraid of change even tho it could be better but why fix it if its not completly broken right? I love to hate my life and hate to love my life its never a win win situation.

I went and seen my Daddy for the first time in nearly a year GOD i can even explain the hurt and pain that got lifted off my sholders i enjoy his company and it seems from each time i visit it keeps getting better and better the relationship we are building is strange because my dad never was into all the things i was.. he always loved movies just never took the time out of his "busy" schedule to watch them although he always made time for me and thats something i am thankful each day he took me everywhere with him, he got me candy i was his trusty side kick he told me... he told me he loved me when he knew i needed it the most and i cant say thank you enough even tho at times he was stoned out of his gored he still stopped and made me feel like part of A family. He was good about makin it look like roses through my eyes at times hed slip up and him and mom would fist fight in front of me there is so many things that he regrets so many things he would take back but he says there is nothing he can do or say to make me change the things he did or the way i feel other than he loves me with all his heart and he misses me and he never intended for me to have this kind of life and he is so sorry. And after saying that sorry never gets it with me he is one person that i believe.

I asked him what he wanted to be when he grew up and the reason i asked this is because when i went to moms drug class they told me that for every hit of meth you take it takes your body 2 years to recover from that and when you quit your drugs you begin where you started example if you picked up when you were 9 years old thats the age your mind has set back to a little bit with the fears and the am i doing this rights. Dad told me he wanted to be a teacher he wanted to help people get their G-E-D he wants people to better them selves like has like a second chance something hes been givin i was kinda floored by it i was actually surprised he wants to do something with his life other than walks the street known for what he was. Some times when i think about it im scared mom will have problems with it she wants it to be just him and her like old times and she can argue and fight all she wants with me but i was there at times she was there physcally but not mentally i seen the fights and the time she pulled to gun to shoot him i was there i pulled the gun out of her hand.

It was really great going and seeing him and spending the time i did with him even tho i wish i could take him home with me just put him in the trunk and take him away from the saddness the nightmares and the pain i think i have learnt i enjoy his company more now hes sobber.. hes never been a dull man by no means but its good to have good ol dad back not that ive ever had him before hes just different now when hes clear minded and i like that i wouldnt have it any other way. Although he took a cheap shot at me while i was leaving he yelled out my nickname that only he and my dads friend P.O is allowed to call me i think he was tryin to bring a little light to the sad situation hes never been one to sit and cry more less let people see him cry so sooner than later he will be home he told me his max parole date is july 2019 his min is july next year lets pray for next year!

Snow Patrol

Snow Patrol---Chasing Cars

We'll do it all
Everything
On our own

We don't need
Anything
Or anyone

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

I don't quite know
How to say
How I feel

Those three words
Are said too much
They're not enough

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

Let's waste time
Chasing cars
Around our heads

I need your grace
To remind me
To find my own

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Forget what we're told
Before we get too old
Show me a garden that's bursting into life

All that I am
All that I ever was
Is here in your perfect eyes, they're all I can see

I don't know where
Confused about how as well
Just know that these things will never change for us at all

If I lay here
If I just lay here
Would you lie with me and just forget the world?

Well i was trying to break my self from this damn blog its like trying to quit a bad habit. When you tell your self you dont need it you always find your self wanting more like a thirst you cant quench. I was listening to snow patrol chasing cars and listenin to it rain, watching it lightening its just so soothing.

I wish i could go back at least a few years hold it there and enjoy all the things that we had and loved the thoughts we shared the moments we took for granted, but it isnt as easy as that is it? We cant do what we please. When i get lonely i turn on the country station knowing how its going to turn out but i do it any ways.. the same ol' me on my knees with my head buried in my hands tears, no one listening because they cant feel the pain why should they attempt to care because i will just push away because they dont know what it feels to feel my pain right? Why do i do this to my self its like i like self punishment to sit and think up all the shit all the shit that i dont wanna fucking think about i hate my self for letting it happen but what can i do how can i stop it, its like a diesase that takes over my body... Its been since august since ive seen him AUGUST is anyone listening this is now the end of FEB people i cant get my act to gether for worryin about them why why do i let this take over my thoughts my head my heart my life! How can i let something like this pull me down.. here i am on rock bottom wishing there was some one to save me some one to pull me back up for a breath of air because i cant do it my self i need that person and as i sit here listening to my self cry i look around and there is no one not a single soul Not my father not my brother not anyone in my family not a single soul ive been crying over but thats my fault right i shouldnt let these things get to me i shouldnt let the small things in life pull me down. Hes aways said dont worry about him he will lay still with thats all the fight left in the dog well im laying still... Layin still on the ground wrapped up in a ball scared but fearless tired but cant sleep crying but laughing at my self because no matter how many times i say i wont do it again i will again and again an again because that is just want i do im the door matt that everyone wipes their feet on.. NEXT PLEASE!