Deep Thought

Well today i sat here looking out the window watching it rain not really depressed just deep in thought. Missing my family and what could have been. I try not to dwell to much on them i usually paint on a pretty smile and tell everyone im ok and when some people second guess me i protest and continue telling them im ok. Some days im fine i dont bat an eye then theres those days i wonder if i can go on to the next all i want to do is sit and blame my self and cry. I'm a emotional rollercoster and i cant keep doing this. How am i going to live for the next 3 years with out my dad. My sister in law finally called me i had been worried sick about my neice and nephew she is more of a woman then i expected she had the balls to call me and i cant say how glad she did she let me talk to my baby girl let me tell her i miss her and i love her and let me tell her i want to see her she let me talk to my baby boy and let me tell him the same just hearing thier voices helped me a little bit i was able to take a deep breath and smile knowing that i will have them to look forward to, to watch them grow up in front of my eyes what more could i ask for if i cant have everything. I couldnt sleep last night everything on my mind im beginning to miss my dad real bad knowing hes up there all alone not knowing if hes ok missing him tremendously. I just miss being able to pick up the phone and call my mom and dad and tell them i love them and i miss them like i use to. There at the end i was talkin to dad on the phone more than i was talkin to mom he missed me so much wed talk for hours about anything and everything.

This morning waking up at 4:30am was weird i couldnt go back to sleep watched him as he left for work laid thier with this weird feeling still staring at the bedroom door with a feeling of.... kinda of emptyness and i dont really know why or have a explaination for it. I got up went to the bathroom came back and reached for the remote to the tv and there layed a blue post it saying "babe i love you so much, be carefull today" it brought a tears to my eyes. I begain wondering what i did to get that. Being selfish, being careless, having my head in stuff i shouldnt have, dealing with my familys shit? Then i thought maybe he does put up with alot of my stuff and takes it in stride. Hmmm.... how lucky i am.