Letting Go

"saying goodbye to your best friend is harder than it seems"

Deep Thought

Well today i sat here looking out the window watching it rain not really depressed just deep in thought. Missing my family and what could have been. I try not to dwell to much on them i usually paint on a pretty smile and tell everyone im ok and when some people second guess me i protest and continue telling them im ok. Some days im fine i dont bat an eye then theres those days i wonder if i can go on to the next all i want to do is sit and blame my self and cry. I'm a emotional rollercoster and i cant keep doing this. How am i going to live for the next 3 years with out my dad. My sister in law finally called me i had been worried sick about my neice and nephew she is more of a woman then i expected she had the balls to call me and i cant say how glad she did she let me talk to my baby girl let me tell her i miss her and i love her and let me tell her i want to see her she let me talk to my baby boy and let me tell him the same just hearing thier voices helped me a little bit i was able to take a deep breath and smile knowing that i will have them to look forward to, to watch them grow up in front of my eyes what more could i ask for if i cant have everything. I couldnt sleep last night everything on my mind im beginning to miss my dad real bad knowing hes up there all alone not knowing if hes ok missing him tremendously. I just miss being able to pick up the phone and call my mom and dad and tell them i love them and i miss them like i use to. There at the end i was talkin to dad on the phone more than i was talkin to mom he missed me so much wed talk for hours about anything and everything.

This morning waking up at 4:30am was weird i couldnt go back to sleep watched him as he left for work laid thier with this weird feeling still staring at the bedroom door with a feeling of.... kinda of emptyness and i dont really know why or have a explaination for it. I got up went to the bathroom came back and reached for the remote to the tv and there layed a blue post it saying "babe i love you so much, be carefull today" it brought a tears to my eyes. I begain wondering what i did to get that. Being selfish, being careless, having my head in stuff i shouldnt have, dealing with my familys shit? Then i thought maybe he does put up with alot of my stuff and takes it in stride. Hmmm.... how lucky i am.

About My Week

Nothin really happened today or this week except tryin to get finacial aid to go to MSU hopefully I can get it. Dads working on getting his G.E.D he needs it.. its a $150 dollars and 150 days knocked off his final sentence I hope he gets it my fingers are crossed. He finally got his home package hes happy for a little while LOL he has some of the comforts of home hes been happy to go to school every day so maybe things will work out. Im in the process of getting mom out for mothers day that would be a great mothers day present may be late but better late then never if I could only get the damn lawyer to work with me it would be great. UMM lets see I got a job interview for a supervisor job so hopefully I can get that (wish me luck candyland) I hope those star wars underoos have super powers (inside joke) cause ima gonna need it LOL... nah all I got to do is smile and bat my eyes and I got em' hook line and sinker HA!! just thought id say hey and god said HA!! I'll explain later!!!

Bored Thinking

Someimes you do things that you do not want to but they are always good for the other person. I've done alot of bad in my life and also a lot of good. Sometimes all the good you've done doesnt make up for all the bad. God keeps punishing me for all the bad ive done. Last month was a very depressing month for me it was the anniversay of my best friends death becky adams. She died 3 years ago in a car crash it was one of the hardest things for me to take in but i did and each year i hurts a little bit more. Everyone ive ever loved has been takein away from me and if you've read my blog you would know that i say that alot and its very true.. My grandmother who is like a mother in 2002 my best friend in 2003 my parents go to where they are in 2005 2 times. I do all i can to help then but sometimes it feels like it isnt enough will it ever be?!