Hard Times...

Being there is hard enough but bein with out them is even harder..

I never thought in my entire life i would be sitting in the position i am to day i thought i would lead a full and happy life well at least make it past 20 with my parents by my side... i know things could be worse but right now in my life they are bad enough.. to have every one i have ever loved and showed the slightest happiness to either die or be takin away
or sometimes its my fault i tend to push people away.. i do believe it is all fear... fear of getting close fear of being hurt so if i dont get attached and i push them away as soon as possible its less pain for me..

This past weekend has been one of hardest holidays to get past.. Holiday tradition has always been one of my familys biggest get togethers especially Easter.. im use to atleast my parents being there for me but this year i had no mom dad or brother some times things can be taken for granted but in the long run they are learnt to be well appreciated..

Easter is one of my familys biggest get togethers as a child it was my favorite part of the year its when the entire family got together.. well it was before i was aware of all the back stabbing that was happening right before my eyes or all the lies that was being told even to me... but at the time everything is so innocent to you everything is so keen in your eyes..

Not being able to see my dad on easter or anytime before has made me hit rock bottom within.. granted out of my 19 years i have learnt to paint on a pretty smile and giggle and laugh and people seem to think im fine but when i wonder of in my own little world or i get in a deep trance of thoughts they wonder why and how i can change just like that.. i dont know if it is so much just my thoughts or if its guilt in some way too because i know where my mom and dad are and i know where i stand i hate that every smile or laugh that i have its one more i cant share with them or one more they cant laugh with me.. once again you learn to appreciate the little things..

Although seeing my mom brightened up the day just a little bit but in the same sense it didnt she made me feel bad knowing we are so close but yet at the same time so far to see my mom right in front of me with in reaching distance but you cant touch her all you can do is visualize the window in front of you isnt there but it is so hard when there is a concret wall there also..

I do believe its not only my fault for me and my brother not speakin im as hard headed as they come and there is no snow balls chance in hell i will call him up to say im sorry for nothing because the last time we talked he said some pretty bad stuff not only him but i admit i did to but i will not take back anything that is said because everything i have said is the honest to goodness truth..

Seeing mom made me smile yet at the same time it made me mad all she asked me was did she get any money what about J.V i just think shes being selfish.. i dont know tho maybe im jumping to conclusions..

Just wish i could take back all the pain and sufferin my family has done.. But i know i cant so time will tell.. they did the crime time for them to do the time