To the one who keeps returning to my blog for no apparent reason i was asked to play nice and keep my mouth shut about you or anyone else and that i have done! Now you are back and skating on thin ice you are now this blog does not concern you or you miss happenings now if you please step off (thank you candy). I've played nice and im not one to play. Im running on a very small fuse well you should all ready know why i mean hell you've done read my blog you should know me more than i know me..
I seen you behind a desk handed you a card told you what to do after that..... tell me 107 mean anything to you???? I did not invade on your personal life until you started i seen that you were invading mine and now you invading it again.. i do have a tracker on my blog and i do know when you come what time and day. This is my personal blog you do not know me nor i want you to becuase you wouldnt understand me. Why do i have it on the internet it i dont want people to read it you ask? That is because i can talk an post to a very dear friend of yours that happens to be so far but yet so close to me. Now if you've got time to sit and ponder over things your entire life the so be it just drop me a line and maybe i can improve on my writing to cater to your needs... please feel free to give your opinion!!
Sunday, April 30, 2006
Friday, April 28, 2006
Seein My Daddy
Well this Saturday had to be one of the very few best days in my life. I finally got to see my father. Me and my trusty side kick you know who you are much love for you got up at 2am drove 5 hours straight had to be there at 8:30 might I add I made it there 30 minutes early drove up this beautiful long ass drive! I pulled up to the gate gave the lady our license scared of what would happen next due to never being there and this being a not so very nice place to be I was a little scared!!! She checked my car for drugs and or guns (like id have one!!) she seemed very nice and I think she could see the questionalbe face I had asked me if I had ever been here before I told her no she explained everything I had to do. I got out of my car and I felt like I had to throw up my heart wanted to go in and see him by my legs were so nervous they wanted to run the other direction.
I walked up to the counter scared and my legs shakin afraid they were actually going to give out right under me. The lady sets a clipboard on top of the counter I fill it out with my name and his name and I walk in to this big room like it was a school cafeteria with 50 or so tables just sitting some with 2 chairs and some with 3 the man with the keys instructs me which table I need to sit at I make my way I sit down waiting patiently looking around inspecting the place thinkin this is where my father will be the next 3 years of his life while waitin me leg is goin 90 to nothing under the table. Im not the put you on the spot kinda person. Finally I see my dad walkin in the same door I came in suddenly it really hit me I wanted to run and throw my arms around him but my legs wouldn't carry me, my legs on the other hand was tryin to run away. He walked up to the table were we were waiting on him we both calmly look at each other and hug sit down with tears in both of our eyes I knew he don't like cryin in front of people and I knew if I cried it would cause him to so I held them in and the next 5 hours were the best and fastest 5 of my entire life. We talked about the good ol' days we talked about stuff I needed to take care of we talked about him going to school we talked about everything.Right before we left I gave him another hug told him to keep his head up and that I loved him and I missed him and as strong as he could I held back all his tears and said "don't worry kiddo im a tough ol' man I can do anything take care drive safe I love you and miss you and tell your mom the same". I couldn't do it anymore I wanted to bursted out in to tears because leaving something is the hardest thing in the world to do. I strong in there for him but as soon as I walked out of that room I turned and looked there he stood with his arms crossed and his bottom lip quivering tryin his damnest to fight everything back but he wasn't accomplishing much I seen the tears running down his face and that's when I knew it was ok to cry to
I barley made it out of the place and I wanted to fall to my knees and scream why does this happen to me why do I always have to be the strong one why is god punishing me!!! I wanted answers I haven't been getting in the last 19 years. I made it to the car and that is where I cried till I fell asleep which was about a hour with my trusty side kick driving.
I said I hated my brother and he wished hed fall off the face of the earth too but now hes were they are at and im left alone once again with no body alone abandoned scared and useless I cant do anything and I am so close to giving up its not funny! But if I gave up then who would care for them and worry about them and talk to them?
NOTE TO SELF AND EVERYONE WHO READS THIS: The things or the people you have appreciate them love them care for them because you never know when they will be gone! And ever let someone you love slip threw your fingers because something terrible may happen to them its all in what curve ball god throughs at you next just be prepared!
Candyland its tough and I understand what your goin threw and I know your a strong person you can get threw this remember Yankee bitches wear starwars underwear (inside joke ya'll) and what knocks us down makes us stronger, yes? Keep me posted you haven't texted me yet don't make me borrow your broomstick and fly my ass up there and by the way hand over your broomstick there will be no flyin anytime soon!! Smile it does the body good!!!
I walked up to the counter scared and my legs shakin afraid they were actually going to give out right under me. The lady sets a clipboard on top of the counter I fill it out with my name and his name and I walk in to this big room like it was a school cafeteria with 50 or so tables just sitting some with 2 chairs and some with 3 the man with the keys instructs me which table I need to sit at I make my way I sit down waiting patiently looking around inspecting the place thinkin this is where my father will be the next 3 years of his life while waitin me leg is goin 90 to nothing under the table. Im not the put you on the spot kinda person. Finally I see my dad walkin in the same door I came in suddenly it really hit me I wanted to run and throw my arms around him but my legs wouldn't carry me, my legs on the other hand was tryin to run away. He walked up to the table were we were waiting on him we both calmly look at each other and hug sit down with tears in both of our eyes I knew he don't like cryin in front of people and I knew if I cried it would cause him to so I held them in and the next 5 hours were the best and fastest 5 of my entire life. We talked about the good ol' days we talked about stuff I needed to take care of we talked about him going to school we talked about everything.Right before we left I gave him another hug told him to keep his head up and that I loved him and I missed him and as strong as he could I held back all his tears and said "don't worry kiddo im a tough ol' man I can do anything take care drive safe I love you and miss you and tell your mom the same". I couldn't do it anymore I wanted to bursted out in to tears because leaving something is the hardest thing in the world to do. I strong in there for him but as soon as I walked out of that room I turned and looked there he stood with his arms crossed and his bottom lip quivering tryin his damnest to fight everything back but he wasn't accomplishing much I seen the tears running down his face and that's when I knew it was ok to cry to
I barley made it out of the place and I wanted to fall to my knees and scream why does this happen to me why do I always have to be the strong one why is god punishing me!!! I wanted answers I haven't been getting in the last 19 years. I made it to the car and that is where I cried till I fell asleep which was about a hour with my trusty side kick driving.
I said I hated my brother and he wished hed fall off the face of the earth too but now hes were they are at and im left alone once again with no body alone abandoned scared and useless I cant do anything and I am so close to giving up its not funny! But if I gave up then who would care for them and worry about them and talk to them?
NOTE TO SELF AND EVERYONE WHO READS THIS: The things or the people you have appreciate them love them care for them because you never know when they will be gone! And ever let someone you love slip threw your fingers because something terrible may happen to them its all in what curve ball god throughs at you next just be prepared!
Candyland its tough and I understand what your goin threw and I know your a strong person you can get threw this remember Yankee bitches wear starwars underwear (inside joke ya'll) and what knocks us down makes us stronger, yes? Keep me posted you haven't texted me yet don't make me borrow your broomstick and fly my ass up there and by the way hand over your broomstick there will be no flyin anytime soon!! Smile it does the body good!!!
Monday, April 17, 2006
Hard Times...
Being there is hard enough but bein with out them is even harder..
I never thought in my entire life i would be sitting in the position i am to day i thought i would lead a full and happy life well at least make it past 20 with my parents by my side... i know things could be worse but right now in my life they are bad enough.. to have every one i have ever loved and showed the slightest happiness to either die or be takin away
or sometimes its my fault i tend to push people away.. i do believe it is all fear... fear of getting close fear of being hurt so if i dont get attached and i push them away as soon as possible its less pain for me..
This past weekend has been one of hardest holidays to get past.. Holiday tradition has always been one of my familys biggest get togethers especially Easter.. im use to atleast my parents being there for me but this year i had no mom dad or brother some times things can be taken for granted but in the long run they are learnt to be well appreciated..
Easter is one of my familys biggest get togethers as a child it was my favorite part of the year its when the entire family got together.. well it was before i was aware of all the back stabbing that was happening right before my eyes or all the lies that was being told even to me... but at the time everything is so innocent to you everything is so keen in your eyes..
Not being able to see my dad on easter or anytime before has made me hit rock bottom within.. granted out of my 19 years i have learnt to paint on a pretty smile and giggle and laugh and people seem to think im fine but when i wonder of in my own little world or i get in a deep trance of thoughts they wonder why and how i can change just like that.. i dont know if it is so much just my thoughts or if its guilt in some way too because i know where my mom and dad are and i know where i stand i hate that every smile or laugh that i have its one more i cant share with them or one more they cant laugh with me.. once again you learn to appreciate the little things..
Although seeing my mom brightened up the day just a little bit but in the same sense it didnt she made me feel bad knowing we are so close but yet at the same time so far to see my mom right in front of me with in reaching distance but you cant touch her all you can do is visualize the window in front of you isnt there but it is so hard when there is a concret wall there also..
I do believe its not only my fault for me and my brother not speakin im as hard headed as they come and there is no snow balls chance in hell i will call him up to say im sorry for nothing because the last time we talked he said some pretty bad stuff not only him but i admit i did to but i will not take back anything that is said because everything i have said is the honest to goodness truth..
Seeing mom made me smile yet at the same time it made me mad all she asked me was did she get any money what about J.V i just think shes being selfish.. i dont know tho maybe im jumping to conclusions..
Just wish i could take back all the pain and sufferin my family has done.. But i know i cant so time will tell.. they did the crime time for them to do the time
Wednesday, April 12, 2006
Mom and Dads 26th Annivesary
Today is my parents 26th anniversary and sad enough to say they cant spend it to gether but they cant be here with the rest of us... even tho me and my family hate each other and cant get along but we still always know when to shut up and bare it. But 3 more years will come faster than i think but i still miss them terribly and i keep tellin my self things happen for a reason im still not sure if thats true of if thats some kind of lie i keep telling my self but hey if it keeps me going then hell im up for it.. I just mark it down as one more day they are still to gether and alive because no telling what would have happened to them if they would have kept going but then again its times like this that i wish they are here its times like this that i am the most lonley at.. .the times that i know we should be spending together such as there anniversary or Easter. Easter is a big thing for my family im use to them being there for every event in my life maybe not mentally but phyiscal but atleast now i can have my parents back on earth with me.. hmm that could be a good thing or a bad thing...
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