Well decided to go a head and write for my number 1 fans readin material.. since they get up in the morning and read my depressin blog KIDDING haha gotta keep ya entertained. Betta know who i am.. get beat up hehe :)
What did i say in my last entry..."id ask my self if things could get any worse and trust me they can" well i think i jinix my self every time EVERY TIME i open my big mouth and i jinix my self mom and dad got busted again for like the 300th time why does it bother me any more i should just kinda shrug it off but i dont it like breaks my heart. Last night i was walkin my dog and i was lookin up at the stars ( for some reason i have some weird thing with stars dont ask) and i felt so empty in side like there was no fight any more but no matter how much i say im done i dont care anymore i do... i do care because they are my mom and dad and ill only have one mom and dad and i know if i was in the same situation that they would help me... after talkin to some one tonight about the whole problem made me feel alittle bit better. i been going back and forth to the computer lookin at there pictures on the jail website thinking about what i could say or if i was going to say any thing cause all the stuff i have said up till now went in one ear and out the other well once again i dont wanna be right and i am.
I just wish things would get better but i question that cause all the bad things that happen ya'd think god may shine a little light on me nope anything that possibly can go wrong to me will!! I just feel lonley and empty reality hasnt sunkin yet! Dont really know where to turn or what im doing or if i actually care i just know in a couple months ill be better i wont be lonley anymore..
DONT KILL THE A/C!!!!!
Friday, September 30, 2005
Saturday, September 24, 2005
Nothing Ever Stays The Same Poem
Nothing Ever Stays The Same
I need to clear my mind,
It's this smile i been hiding behind..
Why do i choose to cover up?
Why do i keep things bottled up?
I need a change,
Why does everything seem so strange..
I need to get everything under control,
I feel like im stuck in a hole.
Nothing ever stays the same,
Why is it I feel like i'm part of the blame?
Everytime I always find my self crying..
Wondering why I keep trying?!
My mind is always confused...
While my heart stays brusied,
Im so tired of this game...
Nothing ever stays the same.
I need to clear my mind,
It's this smile i been hiding behind..
Why do i choose to cover up?
Why do i keep things bottled up?
I need a change,
Why does everything seem so strange..
I need to get everything under control,
I feel like im stuck in a hole.
Nothing ever stays the same,
Why is it I feel like i'm part of the blame?
Everytime I always find my self crying..
Wondering why I keep trying?!
My mind is always confused...
While my heart stays brusied,
Im so tired of this game...
Nothing ever stays the same.
Friday, September 23, 2005
Summer Camp!
SURVEY SAYS! My Mom and Dad are going to "summer camp" LOL for a long long time. I could see the delight in the judges eyes as he held everyones future in the palm of his hands! He sentenced this woman probation an it was her third defense and she was charged with the same thing! Then He had the balls to look at my mom and dad and say do you know people with your charges get 40 years i thought i could say a couple of things but i dont wanna go to jail to!! They knocked down my father sentense to 12 years and then when they knocked my moms down to 2 1/2 years i thought OHHH dont do us any favors! We go back to court Nov 2nd OH JOY! Mean while i have that little bit of hope for some odd reason i hope that the judge gets laid and is like ohh you both spend 60 days and well call it even but i seriously doubt that will happen!
Wednesday, September 21, 2005
Learning A New Dance
If there is any thing i have learned from these past couple days is...
*Lifes a dance, you learn as you go*
*Lifes a dance, you learn as you go*
Thinking
My mind is wonderin in places i dont want it to!
Have you ever felt that you have worked so hard and you've received nothing, or maybe everything you worked so hard to keep has just been taking away from you?
I feel like im cursed, i feel like every one i have ever loved has either died or been taking way from me for a long long long time and one thing that i cant stand is to want something and not be able to have it, im not selfish its just when i want something i want it i dont want to have to wait. I have learned to cope with my family members being thrown in jail or everyone i ever loved dieing but i dont know anymore things just seem to keep getting harder and harder anymore i cant smile its like a really bad movie and you wished the damn thing would be over already and get straight to the credits! I cant smile anymore theres no reason to smile no reason to live, whats the reason to wake up? Theres gonna be no one there just a nother lonley day with out anyone! You know that little voice in your head (or maybe im insane and crazy) well any way that little voice in my head keeps asking why me? I have lost the next best thing to my mother she was there for me to talk to she was my grandmother when she died i felt so empty in side i didnt know who to turn to or if i even wanted to live the next day. Then my brother got put in prision i wasnt ever really close to my brother we are like night and day complete opposites but so much alike in so many ways but when i he was taken away i thought things couldnt get any worst things were at there absolute worst... thats when i thought to soon my best friend becky got killed leaving my house DAMN why me why wasnt i there i could have stopped it from happening but i wasnt and i hate my self for it still to this day but when i was sitting threw her funeral at that very second i thought this is it there is no reason to live nothing could possibly mean enough for me to go on to the next day! Then i found it i sat and watched my twin neice and nephew and my cousin grow thats the best thing is to watch everything grow.
I had been streched to my limits. I thought maybe god would shine a little light on me i was tired of being in the dark, but just when i thought he had mercy i thought to soon why would he want to see me happy i thought he was picking on me, he took the two most important people away from me the only people i had to turn to, the people that would fight a battle even if they knew they would loose or even if they knew it would cost them there life, my parents. And anyone who knews me or has ever listen to me talk about my parents knows no matter what they have done to me or said to me they were my parents and i was going to be there for them no matter what, but this time i had no control over anything i couldnt scream i couldnt run i couldnt cry because no matter how much i did any of those things there was no changing what would happen. I just never felt so lonley in my life. WHY ME!? Now if you reading this and your wondering why im whining like this and you havent figured it out maybe im not being blunt enough for you lol. No my parents arent dead i guess it could be worse huh? But there not that phone call away, when you feel down and no ones around and you think your parents may listen i dont have that they arent around the corner any more not there for the holidays while everyone is curled up around the fire enjoying the holidays with there loved ones im just kinda hanging out ALONE waiting for mccracken county jail telephone calls just to be able to say merry christmas or happy fucking birthday! Its not really about being lonley its about WHY ME im afraid to ask my self can things really get any worse cause trust me it can!
Have you ever felt that you have worked so hard and you've received nothing, or maybe everything you worked so hard to keep has just been taking away from you?
I feel like im cursed, i feel like every one i have ever loved has either died or been taking way from me for a long long long time and one thing that i cant stand is to want something and not be able to have it, im not selfish its just when i want something i want it i dont want to have to wait. I have learned to cope with my family members being thrown in jail or everyone i ever loved dieing but i dont know anymore things just seem to keep getting harder and harder anymore i cant smile its like a really bad movie and you wished the damn thing would be over already and get straight to the credits! I cant smile anymore theres no reason to smile no reason to live, whats the reason to wake up? Theres gonna be no one there just a nother lonley day with out anyone! You know that little voice in your head (or maybe im insane and crazy) well any way that little voice in my head keeps asking why me? I have lost the next best thing to my mother she was there for me to talk to she was my grandmother when she died i felt so empty in side i didnt know who to turn to or if i even wanted to live the next day. Then my brother got put in prision i wasnt ever really close to my brother we are like night and day complete opposites but so much alike in so many ways but when i he was taken away i thought things couldnt get any worst things were at there absolute worst... thats when i thought to soon my best friend becky got killed leaving my house DAMN why me why wasnt i there i could have stopped it from happening but i wasnt and i hate my self for it still to this day but when i was sitting threw her funeral at that very second i thought this is it there is no reason to live nothing could possibly mean enough for me to go on to the next day! Then i found it i sat and watched my twin neice and nephew and my cousin grow thats the best thing is to watch everything grow.
I had been streched to my limits. I thought maybe god would shine a little light on me i was tired of being in the dark, but just when i thought he had mercy i thought to soon why would he want to see me happy i thought he was picking on me, he took the two most important people away from me the only people i had to turn to, the people that would fight a battle even if they knew they would loose or even if they knew it would cost them there life, my parents. And anyone who knews me or has ever listen to me talk about my parents knows no matter what they have done to me or said to me they were my parents and i was going to be there for them no matter what, but this time i had no control over anything i couldnt scream i couldnt run i couldnt cry because no matter how much i did any of those things there was no changing what would happen. I just never felt so lonley in my life. WHY ME!? Now if you reading this and your wondering why im whining like this and you havent figured it out maybe im not being blunt enough for you lol. No my parents arent dead i guess it could be worse huh? But there not that phone call away, when you feel down and no ones around and you think your parents may listen i dont have that they arent around the corner any more not there for the holidays while everyone is curled up around the fire enjoying the holidays with there loved ones im just kinda hanging out ALONE waiting for mccracken county jail telephone calls just to be able to say merry christmas or happy fucking birthday! Its not really about being lonley its about WHY ME im afraid to ask my self can things really get any worse cause trust me it can!
Tuesday, September 20, 2005
The Worse Is Yet To Come
WHATS HAPPENING!!!!
Yesturday was the worst day of my life. After sitting and waiting for the conclusion about whats going it actually happen to my parents after been waiting for 8 months.... did i specify 8 months i had to wait just a couple more hours to see if they get the shaft. And the shaft is what they got, my skin got tight it was like it didnt fit any more and i didnt know what to do my mind told me to run till my legs couldnt carry me no more, but my knees where too weak and i felt like i was standing in this huge puddle quick sand, my heart was screaming and cursing i started looking around for someone to comfort me but when i looked around i saw no one, no one was there to see my pain or my hurt. I was reaching out and I seen no one there that would really know what i was going threw. When i finally picked my self up off the floor i felt so drained like everything that i have worked so hard to keep was being tore apart from me. And on top of that some little cum guzzling gutter whore had called my brother parole officer on him trying to get him put back in the hell hole he just got out of. ( My family is a circus). This girl...well if you ever met her you'd think she was a man but hey thats besides the point she/he was upset because my brother wont have anything to do with it because just maybe, just maybe, MAYBE once in his life he would like to try to get his life to gether straightin up and raise his children like hes suppose to and be a husband. He told her he didnt want anything to do with her so the stupid bitch calls his parole officer i knew from the moment i met this she/man it was going to be trouble!
Well any ways when i got home last night i called the only person that i thought could understand me, the only person i felt that could feel my pain and even if she didnt i knew she could at least fake it lol. I called her and talked to her about what went on at work and she got me in a better mood and i was laughing. When i got off the phone with her i felt like 100 pounds was lifted off my chest like i had no more worries but when i stopped and thought about it there was so much i was trying to hide and cover with a smile and i have done that for so long it just comes natural to me but for the first time last night i couldnt smile i found my self in my bed crying and screaming and wondering what i did so wrong to keep having the people i love takein away from me. And once again i felt a lone again the same lonliness i felt earlier that day. When i felt like i was done with my little fit i got up and went to sit out side and it was dark, cold and raining ( i love it when it rains!!!!!!) I sat there and listened to it rain and felt the coldness take over my body and watched as traffic passed by and thought to my self for 2 more years this is what it will be like no one there no one to turn to, lonley! At that second i just was empty in side.
How do i cope? How do i stand on both feet with out falling to my knees while everybody else is leaning on me and counting on me to be there for them and to help them? How am i going to do it i dont know all these questions are in with the other thousands of questions i have in my head that i still dont have the answers to. Where am i going in life? Why am i here? What do i do next? And what the hell am i going to do if i let everyone down and i accidently fall!? I just dont know i hate this feeling.
Yesturday was the worst day of my life. After sitting and waiting for the conclusion about whats going it actually happen to my parents after been waiting for 8 months.... did i specify 8 months i had to wait just a couple more hours to see if they get the shaft. And the shaft is what they got, my skin got tight it was like it didnt fit any more and i didnt know what to do my mind told me to run till my legs couldnt carry me no more, but my knees where too weak and i felt like i was standing in this huge puddle quick sand, my heart was screaming and cursing i started looking around for someone to comfort me but when i looked around i saw no one, no one was there to see my pain or my hurt. I was reaching out and I seen no one there that would really know what i was going threw. When i finally picked my self up off the floor i felt so drained like everything that i have worked so hard to keep was being tore apart from me. And on top of that some little cum guzzling gutter whore had called my brother parole officer on him trying to get him put back in the hell hole he just got out of. ( My family is a circus). This girl...well if you ever met her you'd think she was a man but hey thats besides the point she/he was upset because my brother wont have anything to do with it because just maybe, just maybe, MAYBE once in his life he would like to try to get his life to gether straightin up and raise his children like hes suppose to and be a husband. He told her he didnt want anything to do with her so the stupid bitch calls his parole officer i knew from the moment i met this she/man it was going to be trouble!
Well any ways when i got home last night i called the only person that i thought could understand me, the only person i felt that could feel my pain and even if she didnt i knew she could at least fake it lol. I called her and talked to her about what went on at work and she got me in a better mood and i was laughing. When i got off the phone with her i felt like 100 pounds was lifted off my chest like i had no more worries but when i stopped and thought about it there was so much i was trying to hide and cover with a smile and i have done that for so long it just comes natural to me but for the first time last night i couldnt smile i found my self in my bed crying and screaming and wondering what i did so wrong to keep having the people i love takein away from me. And once again i felt a lone again the same lonliness i felt earlier that day. When i felt like i was done with my little fit i got up and went to sit out side and it was dark, cold and raining ( i love it when it rains!!!!!!) I sat there and listened to it rain and felt the coldness take over my body and watched as traffic passed by and thought to my self for 2 more years this is what it will be like no one there no one to turn to, lonley! At that second i just was empty in side.
How do i cope? How do i stand on both feet with out falling to my knees while everybody else is leaning on me and counting on me to be there for them and to help them? How am i going to do it i dont know all these questions are in with the other thousands of questions i have in my head that i still dont have the answers to. Where am i going in life? Why am i here? What do i do next? And what the hell am i going to do if i let everyone down and i accidently fall!? I just dont know i hate this feeling.
Monday, September 19, 2005
A Poem
Parents
Its like my life has past right be for my eyes;
Wow this really is a big surprise;
Where did it all go…
What do I have to show?
With out them what would I do?
They sat and watched me as I grew;
They watched me craw…
I can even remember, when dad taught me how to draw.
I can always count on them to be there;
This is something I can absolutely swear.
They taught me how to drive;
They told me to always thrive.
With out them where would I be?
I have no clue but that’s some thing that’s never affected me.
They will always be there;
They always seem to care.
They told me to be the best,
So I put my self to the test.
You must have done something right,
I’m standing in life holding on tight.
Its like my life has past right be for my eyes;
Wow this really is a big surprise;
Where did it all go…
What do I have to show?
With out them what would I do?
They sat and watched me as I grew;
They watched me craw…
I can even remember, when dad taught me how to draw.
I can always count on them to be there;
This is something I can absolutely swear.
They taught me how to drive;
They told me to always thrive.
With out them where would I be?
I have no clue but that’s some thing that’s never affected me.
They will always be there;
They always seem to care.
They told me to be the best,
So I put my self to the test.
You must have done something right,
I’m standing in life holding on tight.
Sunday, September 18, 2005
Fallen Tears Poem
Fallen Tears
Knowing that your not there,
Wondering if you care,
Why do you do the things you do?
Wondering why i'm missing you.
This really isnt fair..
You act as if you didnt care,
Why do you hurt me?
Why wouldnt you just let me be?
You act as though me seeing her..
Was all of a sudden one big blur,
You had to lie..
You even sat and watched me cry.
Tears Falling down my face,
Your such a disgrace,
All the pain and hurt inside..
Realizing you took all my pride.
You better count your days,
Cause i'm thinking up ways..
To hurt you like you hurt me,
You just wait and see.
Knowing that your not there,
Wondering if you care,
Why do you do the things you do?
Wondering why i'm missing you.
This really isnt fair..
You act as if you didnt care,
Why do you hurt me?
Why wouldnt you just let me be?
You act as though me seeing her..
Was all of a sudden one big blur,
You had to lie..
You even sat and watched me cry.
Tears Falling down my face,
Your such a disgrace,
All the pain and hurt inside..
Realizing you took all my pride.
You better count your days,
Cause i'm thinking up ways..
To hurt you like you hurt me,
You just wait and see.
Waiting For You
Waiting For You
Saying "I love you"
I knew that moment was true,
Cause me loosing you..
I wouldn't know what to do.
You knew the words to say,
You chased all my fears away,
I smile when the thought of you comes to mind..
I smile at the thought of your lips touching mine.
Waiting for you..
Is what i will do,
You are everything to me..
This i hope you see.
I have dreamt of this,
A thousand times before..
To have gave someone my heart,
When really they had it from the start.
I hope you can see..
All these crazy things you do to me,
You being so far away,
Ill be right here waiting on that day.
Saying "I love you"
I knew that moment was true,
Cause me loosing you..
I wouldn't know what to do.
You knew the words to say,
You chased all my fears away,
I smile when the thought of you comes to mind..
I smile at the thought of your lips touching mine.
Waiting for you..
Is what i will do,
You are everything to me..
This i hope you see.
I have dreamt of this,
A thousand times before..
To have gave someone my heart,
When really they had it from the start.
I hope you can see..
All these crazy things you do to me,
You being so far away,
Ill be right here waiting on that day.
Wednesday, September 14, 2005
Distance
Distance
Thinking of you makes me smile,
Waiting for you is worthwhile,
I didn't think I could find someone so true
Someone as special as you.
The distance between you and I,
Hopefully it will fly by,
'Cause I cant begin to describe..
This feeling I have inside.
Its you i think of at night..
While i'm holding my pillow tight
Wishing you were here with me
I know soon we will be.
You say the sweetest things..
You dont know the happiness that it brings,
You know how to put a smile on my face..
You know how to make my heart race.
You know the exact words to say,
Talking to you brightens my day,
I cant wait for you to come home...
So then we both wont be so alone.
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