Hello old friend its been awhile since we chatted... you truly are my therapy..

So many things have happened in the last 6 months..
One thing is for sure its getting closer to my fathers parole date and i believe i need all of the help i can get. This entire time i have blogged about my parents and life behind bars and as unbelievable as it can be we did get some good things out of this 3 year life changing experience
1. Dad got his G-E-D
2. Father actually is off the drugs
3. He doesn't plan on going back..
4. My father and i have a stronger bond you know "father and daughter"

Its less than 56 day and counting til D-day we are as nervous as ever and stressing it.. I believe my father has more gray hair then i have ever seen him have.. hes 47 and never had a gray hair in his life and in this last month he has a head full he says hes not upset about it, it took him 47 years to get it an hes earned it.. i cant say that much he has caused me so much stress.. worrying about him i know hes fed, clean, healthy.. blah blah but he could get killed at any given time he could have looked at someone the wrong way and get shanked i just stress that stuff.

My brother finally had his baby Kameron Chase 8 pounds 1 ounce 19 1/2 inches long beautiful baby boy i was a little jealous i wont lie.. until the first poopy diaper and i was all of a sudden relieved i don't have one!..

I got a new puppy shes a solid white pit bull.. got jazz a buddy someone she can play with not sure how its really working i think jazz thinks shes annoying! Her name is KENYA cute huh.. Jazz and Kenya!

all i can ask is pray for me and my family to get back to normal because if he gets "flopped" i don't know what our family will do i don't know what my dad will do and honestly i don't want to know its not something i have prepared my self for!

This Hurts...Waiting

I cant believe its been nearly a year since hes been moved down here its amazing how fast time can pass, i was sitting here taking a breath from my busy life trying to grasp the fact that another year has passed and im still working my ass off. I was shopping around on the internet listening to music and of course i accidently played a song that touches home.

I have so much stuff on my plate ive been through so much and right now i sat and watched all my friends get married having babies i want that and as much as i want it i dont at the same time i keep telling my self i want to wait for my dad to come home and i really do honest........ but i want to start my life i want to get married i want to have kids i want to work for what you dont and wont ever have because every average american family works to be in debt i want to be a family but then at the same time i dont really want that.

My dad is the most important person in my life because hes never gave up on me never pushed me to the side and never made me wait for anything. Hes always there for me, helps me, never would he guide me in the wrong direction.. and now hes in prision and oh god i cant tell you how much it hurts to walk away to leave him standing to smile and giggle and tell him i will see him next weekend but what if i dont..... you can never plan things because you never know how things may turn out what if i didnt show up for the next weekend? Then what would he do? who would be there to make him smile to make his week go by faster? They say god picks and chooses the life your going to live and the roads you take so you will learn a lesson and everyone has a purpose... WHAT THE HELL DID I DO... i want my family back i want to drive to paducah to see my mom and my dad i want to go spend the day with them have dinners go visit im so sick and tired of hearing these people bitch about going and seeing there parents WAKE THE FUCK UP one day they wont even be there and i promise you you will regret that. At least your getting to be with them these last 2 years are gone and gone forever i WILL NEVER GET THOSE BACK!!!!

Its been 2 years........stressfull, hurtfull, oh god i cant begin to descibe the shit ive been through im so ready for this nightmare to be over im tired of painting on this smile and telling everyone that im ok when really i having a break down in side.. im so tired of wanting to just sit and cry and that some one telling me im childish or im a bitch i wish that some one would understand that as a human being its really not easy painting on a fucking smile........... just one time when im down i want to be held when i cry .. i dont want to be told that it will be ok because i know it wont i want just to be held when i cry and be told i understand and i love you for it.....

I never planned for my life to be this messed up i never planned on my father and my mother and my brother to be locked up when i was little i never seen my family bein there i honestly didnt see my life take a fucking left turn and go rolling straight down the hill wtf its like a snow ball it just got bigger and bigger.

I never believed my mom and dad when they told me that i was going to miss being 16 i was going to miss being be with them they were so right i heard this song the other day and oh my god it means the world

Artist: Adkins Trace
Song: You're Gonna Miss This


She was staring out the window of that SUV
Complaning, saying "I can't wait to turn 18"
She said "I'll make my own money, and I'll make my own rules"
Mamma put the car in park out there in front of the school
Then she kissed her head and said "I was just like you"

You're gonna miss this
You're gonna want this back
You're gonna wish these days hadn't gone by so fast
These are some good times
So take a good look around
You may not know it now
But you're gonna miss this

Before she knows it she's a brand new bride
In a one-bedroom apartment, and her daddy stops by
He tells her "It's a nice place"
She says "It'll do for now"
Starts talking about babies and buying a house
Daddy shakes his head and says "Baby, just slow down"

Cause you're gonna miss this
You're gonna want this back
You're gonna wish these days hadn't gone by so fast
These are some good times
So take a good look around
You may not know it now
But you're gonna miss this

Five years later there's a plumber workin' on the water heater
Dog's barkin', phone's ringin'
One kid's cryin', one kid's screamin'
She keeps apologizin'
He says "They don't bother me.
I've got 2 babies of my own.
One's 36, one's 23.
Huh, it's hard to believe, but ...

You're gonna miss this
You're gonna want this back
You're gonna wish these days hadn't gone by so fast
These are some good times
So take a good look around
You may not know it now
But you're gonna miss this"




Billy Ray Cyrus - Ready Set Don't Go


She's gotta do what she's gotta do
And I've gotta like it or not
She's got dreams too big for this town
And she needs to give 'em a shot
Whatever they are

Looks like she's all ready to leave
Nothing left to pack
There ain't no room for me in that car
Even if she asked me to tag along
God I gotta be strong

(chorus)
She's at the startin' line of the rest of her life
As ready as she's ever been
Got the hunger and the stars in her eyes
The prize is hers to win
She's waitin' on my blessings before she hits that open road
Baby get ready
Get set
Don't go

She says things are fallen into place
Feels like they're fallen apart
I painted this big ol' smile on my face
To hide my broken heart
If only she knew
This is where I don't say what I want so bad to say

This is where I want to but I won't get in the way
Of her and her dreams
And spreadin' her wings

She's at the startin' line of the rest of her life
As ready as she's ever been
Got the hunger and the stars in her eyes
The prize is hers to win
She's waitin' on my blessings before she hits that open road
Baby get ready
Get set
Don't go

She's at the startin' line of the rest of her life
As ready as she's ever been
Got the hunger and the stars in her eyes
The prize is hers to win
She's waitin' on my blessings before she hits that open road
Baby get ready
Get set
Please Don't go

Don't go
Don't go
She's gotta do what she's gotta do
She's gotta do what she's gotta do

Skinned knees are easier to fix then broken hearts

There is one thing about being happy with your self and letting people be happy with you. As a female every day reality sets in and you look around and wonder how can someone love you most of the time i beat my self down and cant find a reason or way anyone can. I'm not happy with my self over the last couple years i feel like i have let my self go my weight its not like i gained 200+ pounds but i do feel like i have put on weight i quit caring about my tan my hair my everything i have stopped caring and started caring about working now Ive got the time to stop and look in the mirror and my first couple of words are O DAMN i look like nine kinds of hell.

It took me beating my self up wondering why and when did this happen. I had a problem i wouldn't be intimately involved with my partner because of this, this would stop everything because while it was happening i would be questioning my self o god don't move like that because that looks gross or don't this or that because he might see you don't have sex with the lights on because ugh!!!
So i said time to do something about it something has to give some where and its going to take me to do something about it if i ever want to be happy. I took me a long time to realize you cant let someone love you if you don't love your self.. just as well as you cant make your life happy if you your self aren't there is no since in trying to lie to your self because in the end you will be depressed always wondering what would had been if you would have put your foot down and made your self happy.

So now I'm on these diet pills and I'm losing weight and beginning to feel allot better about my self now I'm beginning to want that intimate feeling not like a damn rabbit just to know im loved and someone has a attraction to me.. but ive yet to recieve that.............