All i will say is...

All i will say for the day is i have yet to learn no matter what you do how you do it or how hard you try you can never let me repeat NEVER make someone happy that doesnt want to be

Well I've taken my self off caffeine decided to go tan an lose a little weight along with the rest of the world. I just want to do this for my self ladies we do that from time to time why? Because we worry about what we look like that's just how we are. I'm also beginning to teach my self "people have feelings to" i don't know being a ass all the time is never a good thing... I'm not saying I'm a ass I'm just saying if its not my way we are going to have some problems.. Well when i went to see my dad i was at cracker barrel and id never been to this one and all the ones Ive been to the people are the nicest people well i don't think i will ever EVER let me repeat EVER go back to this one ever again. Let me take you on my journey fasten you seat beat keep all body parts in side the window better use the bathroom because we aren't stopping anywhere! Well we get out of the car and its snowing the people getting in there car are wearing shorts I'm think that's fucked up so we go in and the lady who looks like a bird seats us we sit there discussing what we are about to eat (we never get the same thing) any way she comes over asks us what we want to drink we tell her cokes she says ok blah blah walks away about 3-4 minutes later she comes back says "I'm sorry i went brain dead what was that you wanted to drink" i immediately think oh shit why do we always get the stupid ones.. so we tell her again what we want she walks away. Now let me make sure we are still on the same page waitress already fucks up one thing so here i am scratching a notch in the table for 1. So here we are playing that game that everyone plays at cracker barrel oh and the good part is we are even fighting over it yeah that's great lol.. so she comes back takes our order not to bad she really might have had a fucking stupid moment we are all entitled to those right? Well she brings back my food all of it tastes good but the meat loaf its tastes awful its still pink in the middle just a tad but all in the same GROSS.. so i decide I'm NOT sending it back because of.. if you've seen the movie "Waiting" with the one and only Ryan Reynolds at ShenaniganZ yea you wont EVER take your food back! So she comes to give us a refill asks me if i was drinking tea i say no coke... notch in the table 2 she brings me back what i thought was coke i take a drink out of it, it was DIET coke so either shes fucking stupid or or shes trying to tell me something! So we tell her NO not DIET we wanted coke... she brings me back a coke i have already got my cornbread cut it open got my butter out opened it up she walks over and says can i take that plate (the one with the meatloaf) i say yes turn to get it hand it to her look down for my cornbread its GONE the bitch took it took all of it i said where did my cornbread go she said oh you weren't done with that at this point I'm fucking furious i wanted to say NO NO BITCH I WASN'T YOU FUCKING DICK ...notch 3 but i sat there and said i need to loose weight anyways so let me catch you up... raw meat loaf didn't eat no cornbread because the bitch took it so we were sitting there sharing the pancakes hes done asks me if i want them i said umm maybe so he sits them in front of me she comes and picks them up i was so mad i wanted to hit her in the face............................. But i just tell my self people have feelings too why i did that is because i just went and seen my dad my mind was in other places and i was calm so if someone else does that I'm not so sure they will live!

Buckcherry:
Crazy Bitch

All right!
Break me down, you got a lovely face
We're going to your place
And now you got to freak me out
Scream so loud, getting fuckin' laid
You want me to stay, but I got to make my way

Hey
You're a crazy bitch
But you fuck so good, I'm on top of it
When I dream, I'm doing you all night
Scratches all down my back to keep me right on

Hey
You're a crazy bitch
But you fuck so good, I'm on top of it
When I dream, I'm doing you all night
Scratches all down my back to keep me right on

Take it off, the paper is your game
You jump in bed with fame
Another one night paid in full, uh
You're so fine, it won't be a loss
Cashing in the rocks, just to get you face to face

Hey
You're a crazy bitch
But you fuck so good, I'm on top of it
When I dream, I'm doing you all night
Scratches all down my back to keep me right on

Hey
You're a crazy bitch
But you fuck so good, I'm on top of it
When I dream, I'm doing you all night
Scratches all down my back to keep me right on

Get the video
Fuck you so good
Get the video
Fuck you so good

Crazy bitch
Crazy bitch
Crazy...bitch

Hey
You're a crazy bitch
But you fuck so good, I'm on top of it
When I dream, I'm doing you all night
Scratches all down my back to keep me right on

Hey
You're a crazy bitch
But you fuck so good, I'm on top of it
When I dream, I'm doing you all night
Scratches all down my back, come on

Baby girl
You want it all
To be a star
You'll have to go down
Take it off
No need to talk
You're crazy
But I like the way you fuck me

Hey
You're a crazy bitch
But you fuck so good, I'm on top of it
When I dream, I'm doing you all night
Scratches all down my back to keep me right on

Hey
You're a crazy bitch
But you fuck so good, I'm on top of i
tWhen I dream, I'm doing you all night
Scratches all down my back to keep me right on
You keep me right on

You're crazy
But I like the way you fuck me

And these are the days of our lives

Im just so tired of the shit at work i dont know what i did and didnt do i try to do what im told i maybe complain a little bit to my self but never do i make a big deal out of anything. I got stuck at this job and i dont know what happened i do what my DM tells me to do i was just a regular employee i didnt go in trying to be the boss i was nice to everyone maybe thats where i screwed up maybe i was to nice i get up every sunday morning at 4am to recieve the truck like a good little slave because the assistant manager at that store is to lazy to do it on her own even when she lives like 3 houses down from the store she doesnt want to do anything to better her self of let anyone better them selves. Ive never in my life been a racist person and i will never be told i am when im not.. and to day i found out thats what the assistant manager is telling everybody and it pisses me off i thought i could atleast go to my DM expect something to be done NO she says im being childish and if im going to complain and cry about it that she will just pull me out of the store and put me in another one it pisses me off i cant get her to do anything for me.....

there is no real purpose for this post i just need to vent because i cant figure out what the hell i did for her even to say i am the only thing i can think of is my home store is in a county that is has a high reputation for being racist but the thing is im not from that county im actually from a totally different county that is the complete opposite then this one but they dont know that and im not going to waste my time fixing things because when you try shit gets turned around and things never get back to normal and people twist shit im so tired of being walked on and having a shitty DM!

I have yet to shed any tears I'm still fighting them.... at times i found my self leaning at work today fighting off the tears in a day dream. Its not so bad when you go months with out seeing him because the pain is there the hurt is there but you've had time to tame that pain.. that hurt. I guess it kinda goes with that saying time heals all wounds, you learn to tame the pain. But all that pain and hurt i have buried in to my soul something i cant get rid of me it haunts me each and every single day came at me like i ran straight in to a brick wall.

Sitting at the steps at this place my father spends each and every waking moment of his life. In my 20 years i would have never imagined i would be standing in this very place seeing this man behind bars like this i always thought we were better than that but i guess when your at the top there is only one place to go and that is at the bottom, But as the butler in batman says "why do we fall bruce? To pick our selves back up again" Ever since i have heard that i have done nothing but replay that in my head my heart and my soul because i know there is a place for me at the top there is a place for everyone we just got to be willing to make it happen. Ive been on the bottom so long ive gotten cozy and afraid of change even tho it could be better but why fix it if its not completly broken right? I love to hate my life and hate to love my life its never a win win situation.

I went and seen my Daddy for the first time in nearly a year GOD i can even explain the hurt and pain that got lifted off my sholders i enjoy his company and it seems from each time i visit it keeps getting better and better the relationship we are building is strange because my dad never was into all the things i was.. he always loved movies just never took the time out of his "busy" schedule to watch them although he always made time for me and thats something i am thankful each day he took me everywhere with him, he got me candy i was his trusty side kick he told me... he told me he loved me when he knew i needed it the most and i cant say thank you enough even tho at times he was stoned out of his gored he still stopped and made me feel like part of A family. He was good about makin it look like roses through my eyes at times hed slip up and him and mom would fist fight in front of me there is so many things that he regrets so many things he would take back but he says there is nothing he can do or say to make me change the things he did or the way i feel other than he loves me with all his heart and he misses me and he never intended for me to have this kind of life and he is so sorry. And after saying that sorry never gets it with me he is one person that i believe.

I asked him what he wanted to be when he grew up and the reason i asked this is because when i went to moms drug class they told me that for every hit of meth you take it takes your body 2 years to recover from that and when you quit your drugs you begin where you started example if you picked up when you were 9 years old thats the age your mind has set back to a little bit with the fears and the am i doing this rights. Dad told me he wanted to be a teacher he wanted to help people get their G-E-D he wants people to better them selves like has like a second chance something hes been givin i was kinda floored by it i was actually surprised he wants to do something with his life other than walks the street known for what he was. Some times when i think about it im scared mom will have problems with it she wants it to be just him and her like old times and she can argue and fight all she wants with me but i was there at times she was there physcally but not mentally i seen the fights and the time she pulled to gun to shoot him i was there i pulled the gun out of her hand.

It was really great going and seeing him and spending the time i did with him even tho i wish i could take him home with me just put him in the trunk and take him away from the saddness the nightmares and the pain i think i have learnt i enjoy his company more now hes sobber.. hes never been a dull man by no means but its good to have good ol dad back not that ive ever had him before hes just different now when hes clear minded and i like that i wouldnt have it any other way. Although he took a cheap shot at me while i was leaving he yelled out my nickname that only he and my dads friend P.O is allowed to call me i think he was tryin to bring a little light to the sad situation hes never been one to sit and cry more less let people see him cry so sooner than later he will be home he told me his max parole date is july 2019 his min is july next year lets pray for next year!