*sighs* as i sit and watch the rain slowing drizzling on my day.. and as the day passing me by as fast as it can... i take a plunge in to my own self pitty many things run through my head so many people that have impacted my life a live or dead. Tired of being sick tired of the one standing alone surrounded by those who love me but at the same time i feel alone like something isn't complete, every now and then i can convince my self to smile and that it will be all OK but then the depth of the sadness and loneliness sucks me back in again. Its not what some one is doing or saying its what they have done and what they have said. People can learn to forgive but i doubt they can ever teach them selves to forget or at least its hard for me.

The first person that usually comes to my mind and i don't even have to try is my father i think about him in my sleep while I'm awake an most of the time i want to curl up and scream as loud as i possibly can and cry... i know life must go on but doing that a lone is always harder than it seems.. I keep telling my self one more year he will be home safe and sound back at being a father a grandfather a teacher a husband and a best friend being the one we all want to come back better stronger and wiser. Then i pray we can put the druggy and the prisoner we know now behind us and start over bigger stronger and braver then ever before. Then i wake up to reality and ask my self do i really think it will go that way..

I hate the life that has been given to me but i learn to love it more and more each day because if it wasn't for this life i would probably be someone no one loves. I was taught to stand up for what you believe whether or not anyone agrees with you because your opinion is what makes you so unique. And women and men should be treated equal because damnit anything a man can do we can do it the same or even better. You may get knocked down but you aren't human if you cant bounce back up again.

I haven't blogged in a while nothing much has happened in my live except I'm sicker than hell thanks to one of the girls i work with she was kind enough to share.. damn her. I have been able to see my niece and nephew thank god they are my babies and i wouldn't trade anything in the world for them... my brother is a piece of shit he thinks he can just have more kids and forget about those hes the kind of man that needs his balls cut off! Well on that note in going to go write him and tell him how much of a worthless bastard he is!