Wednesday, October 03, 2007
At this moment in my life i dont even care anymore. Im so tired of being fucked over by my work by my life my everything. I would hang my self but i need someone to kick the chair out fromm under me. Id slit my wrist but thats a pussys way out and well its messy. I would drown my self but well who really wants to go out like that. Just when i thought i was going some where in life HA RIIIIIIIIIIIGHT! Thats what i get for thinking i guess. Well i got my own store finally got what i been working so hard for now i dont want it any more i want it to go way! I went back and talked to WKCTC and got the chance to go to college but work would cause me to not be focused either way im screwed imagine that! October 22 i go to Nashville for 2 weeks for training i dont want to go i just wish i didnt have to do this anymore now they have officially fucked me so hard i want to walk out of the job period i want to toss my keys at the next person that walks threw the door and say well its your problem now. Things with him arent so great anymore all we do is fight and argue i dont want to be around him right now i wish he were a thousand miles away all he wants to do is tell me what to do and how i should do it when i really dont give a shit anymore. We watch tv in seperate rooms we cant stand to look at each other we say things that shouldnt be said to each other if you "love"them. I dont know whats going on but right now i think i just want to be left alone for quite sometime we arent ok my life isnt ok and i think that i want away from it... you cant say nothing to him about it because then he acts like he is 2 yrs old and argues about EVERYTHING.
Sunday, July 15, 2007
Big girls dont cry
Walking away from everything that you know is one of the hardest things a person can put them selves through the toll it does emotionally is just phenomenal. Thats something ive learnt to do my entire life, ive always been the one to say goodbye to everyone ive ever known its just easier that way. The reason you ask? Its because i will either rip you to peices emotionally then hoping you will walk away or i will attempt to do so physically because its better to hurt once then to hurt over and over. Now i didnt learn that on my own ive been taught that since i can even remember while watching everything crumble to my feet my entire life while i sit in the middle of it all holding my self rocking back and forth trying to get some sanity on my own. Its like a carousel your watching it from the inside trying not to vomit while everything spins so fast around you, you cant grasp anything. It took my life 18 years to fully come down an the only 2 people i thought would be there to help me hold it up wasnt, one was gone and gone forever she may have been there in spirit but my granny wasnt there to tell me to pick it up and run with it shes gone. My fiance well we all know what happen there we crumbled to and we are still picking up the pieces. When i say my life has crumbled i mean its like grains of sand and shards of glass you want to pick it up you cant quite get it all mean while your fingers are bleeding.
This last weekend has been one of the easiest in my life and i say that with a slight chuckle. Ive finally had enough ive spent 2 very long and stressful years of my life making my fingers bleed picking up the pieces to let someone cuss me and yell at me im not that type of person. Im sick and tired of being someones door mat im tired of being walked on and having shit whiped on me when someone doesnt want to deal with it. Ive spent the last month working my ass off so she cant call me to yell and cuss at me because of him and instead of calling me i think she shes used her 25 cents somewhere else or should i say on someone else i dont understand her, shes a needy person she cant stand to be alone but shes also a very bad lier. She can say what she wants and what she pleases because its my choice to listen to her and just like all of the times before i always choose not to because shes not going to change shes the same ol person with and without the drugs the same spitefull, greedy, bitchy person she has always been. When shes not happy so she tries to pull others down and she suceeds from time to time. She can do what she pleases and she can say what she wants but i have washed my hands with her. The last two years has been a mistake and time down the drain hoping she would change this time but what kinda of fool am i? How idoitic does she think i am?
Since hes been home he has done nothing for him self except waiting on her hand and foot talking on the phone to 4 different girls, sitting on the computer and not getting a job. To think he would change is just as much of a idiotic thing as thinking she would have too. Instead he thinks that life should cater to his every need an if it doesnt he should cuss it out and try to fight it to teach it a lesson being he is such a great teacher and role model. If he doesnt get what he wants he does the same thing and maybe the only thing he has ever done sit and have a screaming match with the other person except the rules to the game is you may not scream and you better not cuss but its all fair to him. You see rules doesnt apply to him he can do as he wishes because you see hes the queen of wonderland alice. And if he doesnt get what he wants with you heaven forbid it! He will call someone else and give another sad sappy story to get what he wants and 98% of the time it will be a lie and 100% of the time he will get what he wants why becuase he is just like her.
As ive said before im done i hate to be the one and moves away out of county not answer my phone and not return phone calls but you got to do what you got to do to get on with the rest of your life because im not going to let them pull me down this time im much stronger than ive ever been. Its a dog eat dog world. You've got to get to me first and the sad thing is you cant because you have to have a permit and you wont stop calling all your boyfriends and stay off the damn internet to do so and you wont pull your self out of her ass for a breath of fresh air moreless do something that involves some work.
This last weekend has been one of the easiest in my life and i say that with a slight chuckle. Ive finally had enough ive spent 2 very long and stressful years of my life making my fingers bleed picking up the pieces to let someone cuss me and yell at me im not that type of person. Im sick and tired of being someones door mat im tired of being walked on and having shit whiped on me when someone doesnt want to deal with it. Ive spent the last month working my ass off so she cant call me to yell and cuss at me because of him and instead of calling me i think she shes used her 25 cents somewhere else or should i say on someone else i dont understand her, shes a needy person she cant stand to be alone but shes also a very bad lier. She can say what she wants and what she pleases because its my choice to listen to her and just like all of the times before i always choose not to because shes not going to change shes the same ol person with and without the drugs the same spitefull, greedy, bitchy person she has always been. When shes not happy so she tries to pull others down and she suceeds from time to time. She can do what she pleases and she can say what she wants but i have washed my hands with her. The last two years has been a mistake and time down the drain hoping she would change this time but what kinda of fool am i? How idoitic does she think i am?
Since hes been home he has done nothing for him self except waiting on her hand and foot talking on the phone to 4 different girls, sitting on the computer and not getting a job. To think he would change is just as much of a idiotic thing as thinking she would have too. Instead he thinks that life should cater to his every need an if it doesnt he should cuss it out and try to fight it to teach it a lesson being he is such a great teacher and role model. If he doesnt get what he wants he does the same thing and maybe the only thing he has ever done sit and have a screaming match with the other person except the rules to the game is you may not scream and you better not cuss but its all fair to him. You see rules doesnt apply to him he can do as he wishes because you see hes the queen of wonderland alice. And if he doesnt get what he wants with you heaven forbid it! He will call someone else and give another sad sappy story to get what he wants and 98% of the time it will be a lie and 100% of the time he will get what he wants why becuase he is just like her.
As ive said before im done i hate to be the one and moves away out of county not answer my phone and not return phone calls but you got to do what you got to do to get on with the rest of your life because im not going to let them pull me down this time im much stronger than ive ever been. Its a dog eat dog world. You've got to get to me first and the sad thing is you cant because you have to have a permit and you wont stop calling all your boyfriends and stay off the damn internet to do so and you wont pull your self out of her ass for a breath of fresh air moreless do something that involves some work.
Thursday, May 10, 2007
Fuck hell week!
The last week has been straight hell ive been vomiting to the point there isnt anything left and yet still my body keeps up with the urge to vomit i dont understand.. No candyland im not preggers trust me you've got to have some sort of action to be that away nothing to worry about there me and mommy dearest has already discussed that. I guess you can call it my vacation and i have a new best friend toilet. Between running a fever of 101.3 and vomiting and sleeping in between all of that ive been thinking at first i was jealous of all my friends and others getting married and havin babies and stuff but now im glad i didnt make any of those mistakes not only do i not want to be vomiting for 9 months i dont really want to be married either and have the headaches for the rest of my life. I went to the doctor yesterday they did some blood work and i thought i was going to make a new exist to the doctors office when they told me that they were going to do lab work on me scared the holy shit out of me! I guess i can post about my sickness when its over right now i have something bearing on my mind!!!!
Ok since the whole "through sickness and in health" thing is one of the main vows i know im not married yet but DAMN IT ITS BEEN 6 YEARS together you would think he would know a little something about me by now... right? He says he took care of me while i was sick says he got my soup and got me sprite and covered me up even when i was sweating and runnin a fever at the same time he didnt hold my hair while i was puking he didnt ask me if i was ok he didnt cuddle up on the couch with me and hold me because if any girl is like me all they want when they are sick is to be loved on a hug and a kiss cuddle with maybe tell them they love them when they feel like it. It took me crying because he was acting stupid said he was trying to get me to feel better by hell i dont know scareing me or something.. i started crying and said all i wanted was him to love on me let me know he cares what he does is set on the couch with my legs in his lap and stare at the tv thats it i ask to be loved on he does the high pitch thing and says I DID im starting to think he doesnt care what little does he know im tired of threating im tired of repeating im tired of having to keep telling his ass one of these days i will pack my shit and leave i can find better i can find some one who is willing to help me up when i am down if he isnt then he can go to hell. Today i think i got poision ivy so i asked him earlier to get a rag and get put some dove soap on it and rub me down because all i want to do is scratch it he argues about it then when i tell him fine what ever he gets up to get the rag and i already said fine he then "playing" hits me across the eyes with a soapy rag im tired of it if this is what i get then i dont want any part of it im so tired of it not once has he came in hugged me or anything with out me asking him to i mean damn if it isnt there it just isnt there. I dont want to be like my parents and not be happy im willing to leave an find happiness some where he can have all of the shit i dont want it any more i dont want a damn part of it hes going to keep pushing until he realizes that he made a mistake and then it will be too late i wont have feelings for him anymore... or he wont ever realize.
Ok since the whole "through sickness and in health" thing is one of the main vows i know im not married yet but DAMN IT ITS BEEN 6 YEARS together you would think he would know a little something about me by now... right? He says he took care of me while i was sick says he got my soup and got me sprite and covered me up even when i was sweating and runnin a fever at the same time he didnt hold my hair while i was puking he didnt ask me if i was ok he didnt cuddle up on the couch with me and hold me because if any girl is like me all they want when they are sick is to be loved on a hug and a kiss cuddle with maybe tell them they love them when they feel like it. It took me crying because he was acting stupid said he was trying to get me to feel better by hell i dont know scareing me or something.. i started crying and said all i wanted was him to love on me let me know he cares what he does is set on the couch with my legs in his lap and stare at the tv thats it i ask to be loved on he does the high pitch thing and says I DID im starting to think he doesnt care what little does he know im tired of threating im tired of repeating im tired of having to keep telling his ass one of these days i will pack my shit and leave i can find better i can find some one who is willing to help me up when i am down if he isnt then he can go to hell. Today i think i got poision ivy so i asked him earlier to get a rag and get put some dove soap on it and rub me down because all i want to do is scratch it he argues about it then when i tell him fine what ever he gets up to get the rag and i already said fine he then "playing" hits me across the eyes with a soapy rag im tired of it if this is what i get then i dont want any part of it im so tired of it not once has he came in hugged me or anything with out me asking him to i mean damn if it isnt there it just isnt there. I dont want to be like my parents and not be happy im willing to leave an find happiness some where he can have all of the shit i dont want it any more i dont want a damn part of it hes going to keep pushing until he realizes that he made a mistake and then it will be too late i wont have feelings for him anymore... or he wont ever realize.
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